


The Fuel of the Flame

by ayokidd



Series: Kerosene [2]
Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Clexa, College, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Love, Rugby, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-20 06:31:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 41,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8239405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayokidd/pseuds/ayokidd
Summary: Clarke and Lexa find their way back to one another after years of mending. They start listening to their hearts and loving more of each other every day. This is the part of the story where love wins. ORGraduate school is underway and their journey begins into their adult lives. (Rugby Lexa/Medical Artist ClarkeMMA Octavia/ Mechanical Engineer Raven)(The second part of The Fight to the Flame)





	1. Live and Let Live

**Author's Note:**

> Previously On FTTF:
> 
> Things seems to settle the day after Lexa punches Beluga in the face causing a rift in the dynamic of the Houston Hut. Monty and Jasper are so bashful and cute, they bolt at the first chance they get, feeling inadequate and frankly surprised how much brawn resides in these gorgeous women.  
> Bologna gets banned from the hut, Clarke kneels to Lexa offering her fealty spilling her heart out, she stops fighting her feelings, even the bad ones, which cause her to pass out in Lexa's arms. Clarke throws up on Octavia and cries herself to sleep.  
> Raven and Octavia make love this time around influencing the reserved mechanic to lose control yet again confessing her love for the wild girl. Octavia didn't say it back.  
> Later at Polis- Clarke slaps Harper, Anya fights Lexa and then the big reveal. Clarke eavesdrops. Surprises herself and everyone else with her new enlightenment.  
> Family is forged from friendship with the new addition, Anya.  Clarke can't quite sort through the pieces and struggles to put them in place.  
> 

* * *

Lexa follows Clarke back into the bar attentively. She feels overwhelming warmth filling her up haunted with an unwavering sense of suspense. After everything that has happened Clarke has become unpredictable and although that thrills her it consequently terrifies her. Her girlfriend doesn’t reach out to her, doesn’t say a word, she just makes sure they stay close as they make their way to the bar where they see Raven and Octavia.  
  
Clarke orders two beers for Lexa and herself with out asking the brunette what she wanted. Lexa smiles at the fact and decides to follow her lead.

“So… how did it go?” Raven injected after moments of silence.

Clarke looks up forcing a smile, “I’m not sure…” She trails off into her drink, fighting a feeling, somewhat delineated from them. She has so much on her mind; she doesn’t know where to begin. Clarke isn’t sure what she's feeling, it seems as though friendly fire lit up the sky causing the clouds to fall into fog around her. Her friends lied to her, Lexa lied to her, her mom lied to her, Anya is hurting—hell _she_ is hurting. The family and trust she found herself so lucky to have just moments ago feels dissipated like mist. Last night was her breaking point and she knew it. It was either up or down and Clarke had chosen the sky, only to have the sky fall to the ground.

Lexa reaches out to place a light hand on her lower back. She doesn’t say anything because she truly can’t tell what Clarke is thinking or what she is going to do. Hearing her talk in the alleyway brought so many of her personal issues to light and she actually felt like she was healing. Like when earth met the sky she knew right then that she had found the biggest piece of herself in Clarke. She leans over, rests her head on her shoulder and sighs into the love of her life.

Clarke tilts her head feeling Lexa’s hairs tickling her cheek, a smile flicks at her lips but she doesn’t move. She takes another sip of her beer and looks over to Octavia.

“Can it be just the two of us tomorrow?” She whispers into her best friend’s ear.

Octavia looks over to her in concern but promptly replies with a nod.

Lexa overhears her and lifts her head up off her shoulder at Clarke confiding in her friend instead of her, at Clarke wanting to be with her instead. It is a little disconcerting but she knows Clarke isn’t happy with her and will take whatever happens with welcome. She is the most understanding, beautiful, thoughtful person she has ever met and will do anything to keep her close and if that means giving her space— she would start with the stars.

Raven is a little tipsy and has her head resting on her arm on the bar; her face is sideways staring at her friends.

“So I want to make a pact right here, right now…”

All eyes dart to Raven as she lifts her head up to conduct the family meeting.

“I want us to stick together no matter what happens between us, I want to always know where you are, what you are doing. We found each other and nothing should stop us from losing that. All agree?”

Before anyone could agree Anya walks up behind Lexa and Clarke, slinging her arms around their shoulders, “Aye Aye cap’n” She chimes as her sardonic humor returns with her rejuvenated demeanor. Lexa notices her eyes gleaming hopeful at the idea of a family. Anya discovered what she was looking for in Abby; she wanted to find family. She doesn’t regret her time with the older woman because it brought her to a new opportunity, a new promise of hope.

Clarke turns around to catch her mom sneaking away just in time to catch her eye, Abby gives her a look that Clarke recognizes as an apology wrapped in ‘I love you’. She nods toward her mother with a smile. Her mother had never looked so young to her before, her smile so tender and eyes open to the world. Despite her grief and pain she knows her mother had just as much. She’s proud of her mom for being so strong all the time and decides that is where she gets it. Turning back to her beer she signals the bartender for another. He pops the top with the flick of his bar key and winks at her before setting it down. But Clarke doesn’t pay attention already handing the beer to Anya.

“To family— may we all find peace when leaving the shore, find love within the next journey and if one is lost in the sky, may we meet again on the ground and let’s never say goodbye.” Clarke’s voice rang true in all of their ears. Her voice was strong at first and only waivered slightly at the end. Lexa was sure she was thinking about her dad and wraps her arm around her waist to ground her incase she was lost in the sky.

Everyone listened to her words make beds in their heads, taking comfort in them, understanding that this was family, the family they all wanted and now had.  
  
“ _Fuck_ Griffin…” Raven lifted her drink in the air with sheen in her eye, then Octavia, Clarke, Lexa, and then Anya followed. They all look at each other once more and like it was a chorus, “To family!”

* * *

 

**_The next day_ **

Her alarm shouts through her pillow screaming _‘bad girls live fast, die young and do it well’_. She moans into the damp spot where her mouth found solace for a short while in the night. Her body sprawls out over the bed as she stretches her tense muscles from their slumber. She slept heavy as hell but feels like none of it stuck. Clarke often thought of sleep as a collection of energy much like dust to a light bulb absorbing the particles around her to burn on the surface. She didn't absorb anything let alone fall deep enough to rest her mind. And last night she barely fell beyond the surface of it, her mind was on overdrive. 

 

Last night was a step up, however it wasn’t resolution. She had to talk to her best friends and most of all she had to talk to Lexa. The thing is, Clarke doesn’t feel like talking. Lexa had wanted to stay the night but Clarke needed time.

* * *

  
_“…But I—“ Lexa and Clarke sit in her bedroom talking after getting home from the bar. Clarke asked to be alone and Lexa doesn’t know where she stands—where they stand._  
  
_Clarke interrupts, “I just need time to think Lexa, we're okay, and everything's okay,” she turns toward her and puts her hand on her thigh. “I don’t want you to worry.”_

_“Clarke, how can I not worry? The past few days weigh heavy on you and I. What if you realize that it’s not worth it…that we aren’t worth it? I feel like we don't talk.. like” Lexa tears up and her throat swells, " like we don't communicate how we feel and I think we feel for each other so much." Her lips tremble into her mouth._

_This is exactly why Clarke needed space. She needed to think about what to say...what happened last night, the day before, and about her whole life. This has been one of the most confusion and stressful times of her life. The space she needs is about her, not Lexa. Even though Lexa is a part of her, she's noticed that a large piece of herself needs to settle before she does anything else._

_“Lexa please… I just need some time. You have practice tomorrow morning and I have class. I love you and that won’t change.” Clarke sits still knowing if she gets closer she won’t be able to keep her resolve, she wouldn’t be able to ask for the time she know she needs. It was easy to hide in the comfort of Lexa and She is tired of hiding from herself._

_“Fine.” Lexa stands up and starts heading toward the door when Clarke gets up and grabs her by the wrist._  
  
_“Lexa, don’t be like this…” Clarke pulls her back into her, wrapping her arms around Lexa's waist, “I won’t leave you. Just trust me that I love you and that we are okay.” She whispers near her ear._

_The brunette slumps back into the blonde wanting to believe in her words whole-heartedly but she doesn’t know what to expect. It’s been an unpredictable week._

_“I love you Clarke.” She squeezes her arm that holds her there, opens the door and steps out of her girlfriend’s embrace; walking out despite everything inside of her telling her not to.  
_

* * *

Clarke walks through campus wondering when she started to worry this much, about life, her future, about everything instead of being in the moment. Lately the moments have been anything but light and as free as they used to be. When did that happen?

Clarke leaves her phone at home, at first she forgot it under her pillow and was about to go back but then she decided to keep on walking and just be with herself for the day- no distractions.

She felt fine, strong even but she didn’t want anyone else’s influence resting on her shoulders, just for one day. Because she wonders how much of her is really her…take away the expectations, take away considerations, and take away the influence, what is left? How much of her decisions are her own? 

Clarke understands now, somewhere between then and yesterday her eyes opened giving her a heightened self-awareness—a paradigm shift in perception. Ever since she can remember she's done what was expected of her and that was okay. It fulfilled her to make her parents proud, it excited her to please her friends and it elevated her to be put on a pedestal that was built from their hopes and dreams. It all went by so fast,  she never stopped to think if it’s what she wants or where she wants to be. Up until recently it sustained her. But last night she realized that she was no longer suspended in the sky and came crashing to the ground— Grounded inside herself more than ever. She doesn’t feel the need to fight pain instead she feels herself welcoming it, understanding what it is and just feeling it. She thinks to herself how wonderful it is to feel anything at all and to be part of a world where such pain can be paralleled with such love.

She left the hut hours before her first class. The campus has yet to fill; this was her favorite way to see North Den-U, not yet overridden by demands to grant dreams.

Clarke thought about her dreams, what they were, how she was going to achieve them. She thought about her decision to pursue art in medicine and if that was because of the influence of her mother or if it was the best of what she loved about both worlds.

_[Elliphant- Down on Life](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqN8SRv3lT4) _

  
  
It’s a cool morning; the sun barely says its hello on the horizon while the trees spring hope from their tips. She ends up walking to the anchoring tree in the middle of campus that perches on a large grassy knoll. The grass around it always stayed green, she isn’t sure if the U dyed it green or if it was because it often embraced the energy from thousands of sanguine souls, Clarke being one of them.

She walks up to where her and O often reside, lies down on her back and pulls her headphones out of her pocket to listen to some music. Her playlists reminded her of the moments they were created for. Music to her was like art, it painted a picture; it made a moment into something that could touch infinity. She wanted to make a new playlist for this week—the most pivotal week of her life. Scanning through her I-tunes, which held insurmountable amount of songs thanks to Monty, she chose her first song.

She drops her hands to rest on her stomach; gold waves halo her face as her eyes meet the sky. She looks at the clouds passing by her, each a shadow of her past. They float away one by one leaving her metaphorically lighter, less shaded from the demons she held dear. She used to think she deserved their company but not anymore.  
_Not anymore…_  
The gravity of the ground hugs against her as she tethers her demons to the clouds. She feels weightless and for once at peace with herself—wide-awake.

Her arms fall to her sides hitting the cool grass tickling her elbows. It feels refreshing against her skin. She thinks of Lexa having the opposite effect—heating her in resilience, Clarke used it to counter the cold that she felt inside realizing she relished Lexa in all the wrong ways. The grass bends beneath her palms as she runs her fingers through the blades. Lexa was intoxicating and like alcohol she drank until she forgot, she imbibed herself in the love Lexa gave her and twisted it to serve as her absolution. It was temporary because as soon as Lexa left her side she would fall back into her secret darkness.

Clarke turns her head putting her face to face with a dandelion. She doesn’t want to use Lexa up in that way; she doesn’t like the feeling she gets when she thinks about how she turned their love into some sort of vindication from her pain.  
_Let go._  
She tells herself to let go of the pain—let go of the burden of guilt—let go of fault. This was her life and she wants to live it in the right way. In this moment a tear falls landing in the plateau of her nose, pooling with out spilling over. Clarke always liked the feeling of her tears sitting there, not falling quite yet, suspended in their purpose. She stares at the dandelion observing the individual seeds that always reminded her of nature’s umbrellas. Imagining that each of those seeds will detach from it’s home, land somewhere completely foreign to it and grow it’s own home strikes a parallel within her. She smiles at the thought before she exhales a gust through her lips toward the umbrellas. Her head turns in her attempt to release them all from root letting her tears fall from their perch as she watches their feathered bloom catch the current of the wind away into the wild.

Clarke turns her head back to the sky now clear of clouds. She’s been floating with the current for far too long. But now she knows- she _understands_ that her home is inside her. That no matter where she goes, no matter who is in her life, she holds the power to this home—she controls who resides there.  
She knows she wants Lexa, the love of her life, the patient kind-hearted, rough exterior, and soft interior, her Lexa.  
She knows she wants Octavia, her rock—the weight that has kept her from disappearing into the atmosphere, her best friend.  
She knows she wants Raven, her compass and beacon in life, the catalyst in discovering her identity, her first. Clarke knows Raven often feels expendable and she makes sure to remind herself to talk about that when she sits her down.

And then she thinks about Anya. She needs a home and a family, which Clarke knows she has to offer. She is important to Lexa and after last night she realizes that they were everything to one another. They were each other’s best friend, compass and rock. Clarke feels warmth spreading from within her body, filling her up with energy and epiphany like elation. She feels happy.

She loves her life. Even with all its struggle, pain and problems because it teaches her compassion. She wants to help people and voluntarily taking on the suffering of others is a way for her to do that. She likes to feel the pain on behalf of those she loves as to share their suffering. She asks herself of her purpose and the only answer that fulfills her is to be of benefit to those around her. She always felt the need to be everything to everyone but it went with out understanding her mind and soul.  
  
Now it feels different.  
  
Now, she feels like she can take her selfishness away from it, the gratification, and truly do it out of happiness for their sake. Their pain is her pain. Developing compassion is more important than the material things in life; it is what guarantees a happy and peaceful mind.

_[Grimes- Kill V. Maim](https://youtu.be/c2EJMd7ZN7w?t=25s) _

Clarke lets this new feeling wash over her swaying to the song giving her something to shake her body to. She hasn’t danced in a while and has been fighting against everything for so long. She wants to shed the old to make room for the new, she doesn’t care who is around and she starts to dance to the all-consuming beat. She doesn’t want to behave; her hands rise into the air as she shakes her hips—eyes closed. Fists pump in the air while her hair gets thrown from side to side.

Clarke sings, _“Cause I’m only a man… and I do what I can”_ She jumps up and down spinning herself around the statue.

“ _B.E.H.A.V.E. B.E. aggressive!”_  
  
She dances around the knoll as she sings at the top of her lungs. The smile on her face is an indication of happiness. The kind of happiness that doesn’t come from anyone else other than her and this only spreads her smile wider at the heightened level of consciousness. Every pump of her fist pokes holes in her doubt, every flip of her hair sheds fear, and every yell from her lungs liberates her love.

“ _Eh, I won’t behave, I won’t behave, I wont behave!”_

She will no longer adhere to an idea of who she should be or how she should act. There aren’t categories, titles, or molds that fit a single individual. It is complex and dynamic, if she doesn’t change and adapt she will be lost, pulled under the current.

_I wont behave._

Clarke found herself in the last few days, found the pieces in the friends turned family around her and now she is putting those pieces together. No longer letting them poke holes in her existence, no longer holding it all in to let it spill out for all to see.  
It is time to live and let live.

* * *

 

Lexa wakes up on Anya’s couch thirty minutes before her alarm, she didn’t want to go back to her apartment last night. She wanted to make sure Anya was okay and so it fulfilled a multiple purpose to come here instead. They have practice in an hour so she gets up and starts making them coffee remembering their conversation about Clarke.

* * *

 

Lexa wakes up on Anya’s couch thirty minutes before her alarm, she didn’t want to go back to her apartment last night. She wanted to make sure Anya was okay and so it fulfilled a multiple purpose to come here instead. They have practice in an hour. Lexa musters and lifts her tired body. Coffee is the only thing that could kick-start her day, especially after last night.

 

_Lexa walks in through the unlocked door and slams it shut. Anya’s apartment is clean and barely decorated. Anya looks up, nonplussed, and continues her nightly workout routine._

_“What’s the matter Lex?” Anya asks finishing her third set of pushups._

_The younger sister takes a deep breath letting it exhale out of her nose, “She didn’t want me to stay.”_  
  
Lexa stands frustrated. She wanted to be there for Clarke. Even though she understands why she needs time, it hurts to be pushed away. She hadn’t thought twice about Harper kissing her until tonight. It wasn’t her fault, she didn’t want it but she admits to putting herself in that situation. It shouldn’t have ever happened, but it did.  
  
Her mind whirls in circles, replaying the night’s events. She slides down the door in defeat until her knees hit her chest. Lexa gave Clarke a hard time for kissing Bellamy and she realizes that her actions were the same. She blamed Clarke for not being in control of the situation and maybe she reacted unfairly. Harper had kissed her mere moments before Bellamy kissed Clarke. It was a kerfuffle.  
  
So far the events that have taken place can be dubbed as a catastrophe. She thinks to herself: My sister is dating her mom behind her back, Harper kissed me, Bellamy kissed her, and I’m ruining her life.  
  
Lexa grunts into her hands smashing her face into her palms. The spinning causes her to slide down onto the floor. Her hands form into contrition over her lips.

_“I’m poison,” she utters._

_Anya stops, lifting off of her palms to sit on her butt. Resting her arms on her knees she breathes, “Shut up Lexa.”_  
  
Lexa scoffs and drops her arms mirroring her sister.  
  
“This is not all on you. You always try to take the blame of the world.” Anya gets up and walks over to sit next to her, “I’m sorry that I made this harder for you. But I don’t regret it. Do you regret anything that you’ve done with Clarke?”

_Lexa looks to her and shakes her head._

_“Then shut up and give her space. She is a strong person and so are you. To be honest, people always surround her. She is the kind of person that people gravitate towards which I am sure gets exhausting. You know how we keep people at arms length and it took us years to let anyone close enough to hurt us?”_

_Lexa nods._  
  
_“Well Clarke is the opposite. She opens her heart freely for everyone and I can’t imagine how hard that is to accommodate. I think she's too open sometimes and it hurts her. I think she's hurting now and needs this time to heal herself. I don’t think she will ever stop caring for everyone despite their faults but I hope she starts taking better care of herself. Don’t worry sis, if she loves you she will come back to you.”_

_Anya slings an arm over Lexa’s shoulders and squeezes, “Just be patient.”_

_Lexa leans her head to rest on Anya’s shoulder taking in the comfort of the only mother figure in her life. It was a mixture of things to Lexa because she also felt like the mother figure in Anya’s life—until now. She hadn’t realized how jealous she was of her and Abby’s relationship. She thinks back to their fight in the alley and how broken Anya looked. She thought she was about to lose a lover and a mother all at once and Lexa can’t imagine how that must have torn at her._

_She nuzzles further on to Anya’s shoulder, “Are you going to be okay?”_

_Anya squeezes her sister in, “We will be.”  
_

* * *

Lexa is leaning against the counter letting the steam of coffee tickle her nose, her eyes are unfocused and her hair is a mess. The night haunts her like a stale dream. A new day means a new beginning yet she can't find the silver lining. Anya emerges from the back of the apartment stretching her arms around her head, “Morning…”

The younger sister nods refocusing her eyes on her coffee and takes the first tiny sip. It washes her mouth and hugs her throat as it takes the edge of sleep down with it. With the help of the caffeine, she finds her words.  
  
“Can I borrow some clothes for the day?” Lexa asks.  
  
Anya pours herself a cup and walks back toward her room. “Sure, just bring them back washed and folded,” She says behind her.

Borrowing clothes was normal for them. Used to having only a few shirts between them it was natural but ever since they moved into their own places, possessions were of great value and Anya felt over protective of her things.

But being her baby sister has its perks and she was able to choose what she liked: simple jeans that fit her snug and an ACDC grey t-shirt.  
  
“You almost look better than me in those…” Anya chimed as she threw practice gear on the bed for her.  
  
Lexa beams. A compliment from her holds high value because they are far and few between.  
  
“I said almost Lexa, don’t let it go to your head," she reprimands.  
  
They share a soft giggle before packing up and heading out toward Anya’s truck. Deciding to carpool, Lexa unlocks her car to grab her bug-out bag and backpack. Her bug-out bag was a creation made for quick escapes and emergencies. It holds toiletries for any occasion, a change of underwear and cash. 

On the way to school, she rolls down the window inviting the cool morning breeze into the musty cab. They ride in silence not feeling the need to fill it.

The sun is peeking above the horizon allowing the streetlights to rest for the day.

Lexa leans against the car door so the breeze cleanses her pores. She feels strange and she can’t grasp as to what it could mean. She isn’t nervous; she isn’t worried, nor is she sad. She could say it was complacency but that seems too insufficient to describe the rumble underneath it all.

The unease in her stomach causes her to fidget. Not knowing how to act she checks her phone in hopes of a distraction. She wasn’t expecting any messages this early but she can’t help the hope that Clarke would’ve reached out. Mowing over what Anya said last night she decides to let it go. If she loves her she will come back to her.

 

 

* * *

 

_[Oddisee- After Thoughts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SDlb_TU9-o) _

 

 

It’s Monday at North Den U and the students are sluggishly filling the sidewalks and classrooms.  
  
Still early morning, Octavia wakes up next to a sleeping Raven. She caresses her cheek not wanting to wake her and heads to the bathroom to get ready. She’s excited because her first class is Cognitive Psychology. Today she finds out if she gets chosen for professor Lincoln’s research team. It would not only help her résumé but it would give her a chance to really help people; people that share the same past. Despite the rumors that surround the professor, she’s read all of his books and admires his juxtaposition of art in psychology.

She gets ready silently trying her best not to wake Raven; the weather said it would be chilly today so she opts for jeans, a long sleeve Henley, and a vest. Sitting at her vanity, she searches her jewelry box for her tiered necklace set. In the process, she finds the metal bracelet Raven made for her. It’s thin and shiny with two stones in the middle. When Raven gave it to her, she said it represented their friendship because no matter how much pressure the earth puts on them, they will become stronger for it—like these stones.

Octavia holds it in her hands running her thumb over the brown stone then the green one. It’s well made and one of her first attempts at jewelry. She turns her head to look at her best friend. She’s in her bed sleeping and she thinks to herself how beautiful she is. Despite her parents, she’s grown to be a deeply loving person.  
  
She swivels back to look in the mirror wondering how Raven sees her. This bracelet has been the only piece of jewelry Raven has given to anyone. It makes her feel special. With a smile, she slides the bracelet onto her wrist and finishes getting ready.

Raven doesn’t have class until one o' clock and it’s half passed eight in the morning. Before Octavia starts her trek to campus, she sits next to her best friend to let her know she's leaving.  
  
“Ray…” She says putting her hand on Raven’s shoulder.  
  
Brown eyes peer through half lifted lids. Humming, she wraps her arm around Octavia’s lower back. Her stasis teeters between lucidity and a dream. To keep the warmth, she scoots further into her.  
  
“I’m going to class now. It’s about 8:30, is your alarm set for anything you have to do?” She asks rubbing her thumb soothingly.  
  
A smile etches on Raven’s face at the caring cadence of her voice. With her eyes still shut, she nods a delicate confirmation.  
  
“Okay, have a good day. Now go back to sleep.”

 

Raven feels a sense of comfort she hasn’t experienced since she was a young girl, even then it wasn’t this nurturing. Before she can obey and fall back asleep, she feels a soft pressure on her cheek. A kiss.  
  
A wonderful blissful burst of satisfaction erupts inside her chest. Refusing to open her eyes she blindly grabs out to hold her in place.  
  
“What is it Ray?” She asks with her vest caught in sleepy fingers.  
  
Raven turns her head and puckers her lips with invitation.

 

Octavia exhales a tiny laugh through her nose at the pure adorableness of her best friend.  
  
“What do you want?” she asks playfully, clearly understanding.  
  
With her eyes still closed Raven pouts. She wants a proper goodbye and whines like a tired lamb. She wiggles her puckered lips drawing Octavia’s eyes to her plea.  
  
“Oh you want a kiss?” She coos.

 

Octavia smiles and lowers her lips. She lands a small kiss on her jaw, “right here?” she asks lifting her head to see Raven’s reaction.

 

With a negative response she lowers her head again and kisses her neck, “here?”

 

Raven shakes her head again but this time she can’t hold the grumpy scrunch in her face. The playful game has fully woken her and she wants more.

 

Octavia chuckles and kisses her on the eyelid, “how about here?” She moves to kiss the other, “and here?”  
  
Raven hums at her gentle behavior. She feels taken care of in such a small way. It’s the delicate nature in which Octavia is caring for her that offers so much love. With both of her hands she pulls her close by her waist. She shakes her head again and puckers her lips with more purpose.

Octavia looks at her in admiration for a moment before she relents. lowering her head pushing a tender kiss onto Raven’s mouth. She draws the kiss out giving it a proper wetting, “there” she whispers against her lips. She’s rewarded with a wide tooth smile from the girl beneath her.

 

 _How gorgeous…_ Octavia thinks. She hovers over her face not yet willing to leave the warmth of her. Ruining the moment, though, Raven lifts from her pillow and steals a peck before falling back releasing her in the process.

Octavia laughs, taps her on the nose with her finger, grabs her backpack off the floor, and walks out the door with peps all up in her steps.

 

* * *

 

She gets to her class with time to spare and it dawns on her that she didn’t hear or see Clarke this morning. Reaching into her bag she retrieves her phone and sends her a text.

 

 

> \---
> 
> **8:48am- Clarke Barke**  
>    
>  _**Octavia:** Didn’t see you this morning, Where you at lady?_  
>    
>  _**Octavia:** Let me know if you want to grab lunch before our night classes!_
> 
> \---

She adds a whole bunch of emojis with her messages and sets her phone on her desk to wait for her reply. Lincoln walks into the classroom with his manly suitcase that matches his shoes. He isn’t wearing his glasses today but his suit is dapper per usual. Octavia attentively watches him while mindlessly twisting her bracelet around her wrist. She wrote her five-page summary of her research topic and turned it in during the first week of school. Starting it early allowed her to refine her idea and add secondary research within to support some of her claims. She offered a few primary research ideas in her essay if she were to be on the team. The opportunity that came with working with him was too large to pass up.

 

“I have read and critiqued your essays over the past week and I have to say I am a little disappointed in a few of you. In this course we study the mind, how it functions, why we do the things we do. What you learn, what you retain, what you devote your attention to and how you view the world… and it all comes from somewhere. Some of you focused on your childhood, which is a huge factor in personal decision-making and perception but I want you to think beyond that. Environment, geology, genealogy, and even relationships shape us. Some of you talked about behavioral sciences, economics of culture, and brain mapping. It was interesting to see how little of you think beyond the obvious. It’s easy to write a thesis on something you know, something that hits close to home but use that to extend beyond yourself.”

 

Octavia can’t help but squirm in her seat at his words; she hopes she doesn’t fall under that obvious category. At first her research was based on abuse but she did think beyond that. She wanted to learn about her parents, why they did the things they did and how it transcended into the world let alone through her and Bellamy. Like what does that mean in the ripple of society? She thinks to herself as he continues.

 

Lincoln paces around the front of the auditorium like classroom diving into the lesson of the day, “Metacognition… did you all finish the reading?”

 

He looks around the classroom to see only a few heads nod; he looks down at his seating chart and calls on a student, “Octavia Blake.”

 

Octavia straightens up, swallows and raises her hand so he knows that she is present.

 

He’s pleased that he happened to choose her out of all his students however his stoicism is impenetrable, “Tell me, who labeled metacognition as knowledge about cognition and control of cognition?”

 

 _Shit, did I read that chapter?_ Octavia looks around her and all eyes are on her. She crosses her legs and grabs the end of her desk.   
  
“Um..Flavell?”

 

He gives her a nod, “Okay, and what did Flavell focus on?”

 

_Uhh god, there are hundreds of students in here. I answered your first question…_

She struggles with stage fright but trusts her knowledge. “He conducted extensive research on the child’s theory of mind. The most famous contribution his research made was of a child’s distinction between appearance and reality...”   
  
Lincoln steps up the isle as she speaks. He looks at her fully interested in her words like he is learning something profound.  
  
“…His research suggested that children acquire the notion of mental representation of reality as distinct from reality itself.” She takes a deep breath hoping he wouldn’t make her continue.   
  
Lincoln stands next to her looking into her eyes for a fraction longer than he should, “Yes!” He says tearing his gaze from her to address the class. “The appearance-reality paradigm. You see he found that where most three year olds fail to recognize that an object is one thing appearing to be another kind of thing four and five year olds could tell the difference. Think beyond his research of a particular object for a second and think about who are you as you perceive versus reality? Are you aware of your perception and introspection of yourself? Can you be one thing and appear to be something else? Absolutely. I believe we are all guilty of this duality. Who are we and how can we be anything but ourselves?” He makes his way back down to the front of the classroom.

Professor Lincoln turns to write on the board as he continues his thoughts. Octavia relaxes into her seat again, completely struck by his intellect and intensity. She is wrapped up into his lecture thinking about herself and the fractured mirror in her room. How does she view herself compared to how she is in reality, is that shaped by how others perceive her? Can it ever be just her standing in a room as she is, can anyone ever see her with out their own perception getting in the way of the reality of her being? Can she ever see herself differently?  
  
She shakes her head breaking from the tangle web she made in her mind and checks her phone.  
  
No messages.  
  
The class continues in this fashion, him proposing questions and the class responding as a whole. Some raise their hand while others just blurt out questions and theories as he engages with the class. It was intriguing to see him so involved with the students. The end of the class was approaching and he winds down the current discussion to announce the few that get to work on the research team.  
  
“Alright, great class today. These are the kinds of questions I want you all to think about, it’s exciting when you can apply it to your own past but also think about the future in how it can ripple into society as a whole. Do something that hasn’t been heard of or studied a thousand times. I will post your results online on Red Board. If you have any questions email me on there and I will get back to you as soon as I can.” He walks back behind his desk and pulls out a piece of paper with the names of students that he has chosen.  
  
“I will read out these names that made it on the team, for those names I do not call you are welcome to leave but know that this does not make your research less important. Everything you all do is important to step into new territory; all thoughts are valuable. I just need a certain collection of minds to achieve what I am looking for in my study. So with that being said, will Nathan Miller, Niylah Dasher, Ontari Kwen, Octavia Blake, and Nyko Healer stay to discuss terms and schedule.”  
  
_Fuck my hell yes!!!_ Octavia is nearly bouncing out of her seat she is so excited! Something she worked so hard for finally pays off exactly how she wanted it to. Once she heard her name called, she automatically wanted to call Clarke to tell her the news but she texts her instead due to the loud bustle of students exiting the classroom muttering their disdain. _Haha, bitches!_

> \---
> 
> **10:20am- Clarke Barke  
>  ****Octavia:** I GOT CHOSEN FOR THE RESEARCH TEAM!!!  
>  **Octavia:** We have to celebrate tonight, don’t tell Raven. I want it to be a surprise.  
>    
>  \---

* * *

  
  
But truthfully she didn’t want Raven to know because of how weird she acted after their discussion about Lincoln’s reputation. When Octavia expressed her hopes to be chosen for the research team Raven was less than enthused. Octavia blew it off but she remembers how closed off she was at the thought of her spending time with ‘GQ Lincoln’. A part of Octavia knew she was worried, especially because of how much Octavia drooled over him the first week of school. But she assured her it was just appreciation for a well put together man and that the rumors were most likely false. He was a professor and his research was revered. She argued that it would be highly beneficial and that she wants to do everything she can to advance in her field. She wants to succeed, not only succeed for herself but also to prove to the world that she isn’t broken, that no matter how she was raised she _can_ be someone. She wasn’t going to let anyone stand in her way of that, not even Raven.

* * *

  
**10:40am**  
  
Clarke, sans phone, is in her Illustration Anatomy class focusing intently on the drawing in front of her. They are working on the musculature of feet today. Learning about what muscles are what, where the muscles lay and how they form under the skin. By the end of class she will have to turn in sketches of the foot with out skin and one with skin, labels and all. She focuses on using all her reds and purples in the muscles, giving excruciating detail to the study. She stares at the still feet on paper, facing the fact that she was so used to running. Now staring at the very things that helped her in her foils, she stuck her tongue from the corner of her mouth challenging them to run from under her pencil. They wouldn’t dare because she won’t let them. She is at the finish line breathing heavy from the run, happy that it’s over and proud that she overcame it. Clarke wants to be better; she wants to learn as much as she can from herself and the world around her. She wants to stand still long enough to absorb the things that only the quiet would notice. Only to move on when she found something tragically beautiful hidden in the shadows. She will share the light. With this different feeling she finds a peace so calm that she can finally look around her in a heightened state of consciousness. Standing in the middle of a calm chaos, she holds zero expectations. She feels truly happy in her skin and for the first time she isn’t afraid of her past; for the first time she looks forward to the future with her friends—her family—Lexa.


	2. A Lie Never Lays Where It Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (If you haven't read FTTF- I advise reading before starting FOTF)
> 
> Previously on FOTF: 
> 
> They all bond over drinks at Polis forming a new form of family- Anya in tow. Clarke needs space from Lexa to think everything through.  
> Clarke wakes up extra early and enjoys her new perspective on life, she hit rock bottom and there is only one way to go from there--up. She realizes that she has control over how she feels about life and the things that happen to her. Pain will always be there so she embraces it.  
> Lexa is upset Clarke doesn't want her around but she understands. She is worried because she forgot about that stupid fucking kiss with Harper which makes her a hypocrite.  
> Octavia and Raven are smols and just are too damn cute together.  
> Clarke leaves her phone at home...*sigh*  
> Octavia got on Professor Lincoln's research team and she doesn't want to tell Raven. (what could go wrong there)  
> How will Clarke deal with the calm of chaos around her? How will she bring her people back together?

** Ch. 2- A lie never lays where it lies  
**

 

> **12:05pm**
> 
> _Lexa—_
> 
> _"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT CLARKE! You kiss me one minute and then HIM the next?!"_
> 
> _“Why didn’t you stop him?”  
>  _

* * *

_—_ That night invades her newly discovered peace; the memory percolates her resolve. Yes—Clarke feels renewed but she is still human; she is still hurt. She thinks back at the overwhelming guilt and disdain she felt within herself. She hated that she questioned whether she let it happen or if she wanted Bellamy to kiss her because Lexa dissected something she knew she didn’t want, making it more than what it was. Actually she turned it into something about her when for once it wasn’t. She was so distraught in how it made Lexa feel she ignored how the event of it all made _her_ feel. One of her friends was forcing himself onto her. She didn’t want to be close but he pulled her in; she didn’t want to kiss him but he did it anyway. It was uncomfortable and Lexa made her question if she had wanted it when she knew that she absolutely did not.  
  
It bothered her that Lexa expressed her doubt, blamed her even, for letting the kiss happen. And here, all this time, Lexa kissed Harper while she blamed herself for something she shouldn’t have. The anger in her swells and dissipates in uneven rhythms; swells when she thinks of Lexa’s lips touching Harpers, dissipates when she thinks of the difference between a wanted kiss and an unwanted one. Explaining herself to Lexa that night on the concrete was exhausting and it allowed her to hide from the events that had taken place. The anger in her swells again as she remembers the feeling of brick against her back with hope in her lungs only then having that hope tugged out of her in Lexa’s barbed attempt to protect herself. It was punitive. They say that love is the answer to every problem but it can also ruin everything. That was the first crack in the beam. She would have patched it up if this week weren’t so succinctly damaging. She is glad that it was though; it needed to happen. Clarke knew it would have happened sooner or later.

Her illustration class just let out and her Surgical Illustration didn’t start until 4pm. She chooses to walk around campus aimlessly, headphones in as she thinks about the warring within her. Logic tells her the past has no room in the present. Everything can be scrutinized but what it comes down to is that ‘it is what it is’ and the only thing one can do is what they can do. Emotion tells her that it was highly hypocritical; that the guilt she felt under the painful gaze of green was unfair and unjustified. She had lied to her by omission, which is the same as lying in her book. It’s the simple thought of that whole night collapsing under weak limbs from misunderstandings and unwanted lips… and there, in the middle of it all, lay a lie—a lie so small that it didn’t matter at all.

And yet it did—it mattered a great deal.

The warring sides of ethos and logos clash and clang against each other, battle crying ‘they did it to protect you! ‘They did it to protect Lexa _and_ you!’ Clarke clenches her fist at the thought, exhaling the mess hall stench from her nostrils. She didn’t need protecting; she needs the truth and she needs trust. It seems so small to challenge what they accomplished in a week. But then again, if a structure were built on a broken beam, integrity comprised by a hairline fracture, all the steal and concrete built upon it would be compromised too. The whole structure trusted itself to that unsuspecting beam below and when that beam gives out, does the structure fall evenly? Does it ignore that it ever existed and stand tall like nothing happened? It’s not that Clarke didn’t trust Lexa now or that she didn’t love her. It’s that she couldn’t help but feel like a rug has been slipped from under her and what lied beneath wasn’t even a floor at all.

The thoughts that lifted her so high into brilliance earlier in the day were just that—thoughts. And turning thoughts into action is hard, especially for someone who is so emotionally driven. It grew harder as the hours piled into the less hopeful part of time. The past grew larger while her future grew smaller. The amount of time ahead seems significantly smaller than the time behind her. She is dwelling in the past, thinking about Harper in her home, at Polis, and where her lips have been.  
  
If only it were that easy to take a revelation and make it into reality. If only she can say ‘I’m over it’ and truly be over it all. But yet again she is human and burdened with the human condition.

She tucks her thumbs under the straps of her backpack lifting it snug against her, stepping each step harder than the next, daring the cobble to slip from under her feet. _  
  
Am I the same person I was yesterday? Am I still the same person I was this morning?_  
  
Her thoughts flicker to Octavia and she wants nothing more than to talk to her now, thankful that they made plans to be alone tonight to do just that. Maybe her psychology expertise can help her see passed it all.

* * *

 

_[Flume- Say It (Ft. Tove Lo)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3j-jo3OnMk) _

 

Octavia sits in her principles of learning class thinking about the team with Lincoln—Professor Lincoln. They decided that meeting on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 4-8 worked for everyone’s schedule. Professor Lincoln informed them they would be participating in a study as well as aiding participants in that study to collect data. Details would come later but she couldn’t help feel a great importance in the work they will be doing. The team seems promising and full of different focuses, which he mentioned he needed.  
  
The only thing that bothers her about the team is Niylah. Octavia remembers her distinctly flirting with Raven in her class. She decided then that she did not like her and now that she sees her in a new environment, surrounded by her element, she still did not like her. Maybe she wouldn’t have to interact with her much despite what Lincoln said about working close with your teammates to achieve a better perspective. She didn’t need to work close with her to know that she is a manipulative fucking bi—

 ** _Bzzz  
  
_** Her phone vibrates on her desk causing a harsh reverb through the silent classroom. She quickly grabs her phone and lowers her head behind the laptop she rented. They were supposed to be researching and writing down something but Octavia was too distracted to care. Swiping her phone she hopes that it’s Clarke and only the tiniest bit bummed that it’s Raven instead.

 

> \---
> 
> **12:10pm  
>    
>  **_**RayBay:** SO I have this purple mark on my neck that I didn’t notice until now!  
>    
>  **RayBay:** I love it, thank you. Can I get another one on your break to have a matching set? ;)_ **  
>   
>  ** \---

Octavia laughed almost out loud and blushed at the thought. It was nice to have this to look forward to. She really enjoyed being this close; it wasn’t going as slow as she thought it would when Raven suggested it. But she can’t find anything wrong with what’s naturally developing. Class gets out at 12:30 and Raven doesn’t have to teach until 4, so that gives them three hours to do whatever.

 

>  ---
> 
> **12:12pm-RayBay  
>    
>  ** _**O-face:** We can’t let you walk around campus lopsided now can we?  
>    
>  **O-face:** I mean we only have a three hour break, I’m not sure that is enough time…  
>    
>  **RayBay:** I’ll have you know that I work well under pressure  
>    
>  **RayBay** : Under your pressure  
>    
>  **O-face** : Wow  
>    
>  **O-face:** Are you calling me fat?  
>    
>  **RayBay:** Only if fat means incredibly sexy, weightless, perfect, gorgeous person then yes, you are so fucking fat…  
>    
>  **O-face:** Aw, that is weirdly sweet of you.  
>    
>  **RayBay:** Hurry and be done with class fatty  
>    
>  **O-face:** I can’t wait to shut you up  
>    
>  **RayBay:** Fuck  
>    
>  **RayBay:** I mean, cool. See you soon.  
>    
>  \---  
>  _

Raven is sitting in the living room of the Hut and can’t stop thinking about last night. After they left the bar Raven and Octavia were more than lubricated. Mix that with the unity spell they were all under, the night could only end one way.

* * *

 

_They bust through the doors of the Houston Hut and ran into Octavia’s room leaving Lexa and Clarke to brood in silence. The ride from Polis was anything but joyous. The crickets were elated to find such a silent stage to chirp upon. Raven attempted to quale the awkward tone but was met with side smiles and one lined responses. Octavia didn’t notice, for her hands were far too busy trying to find warmth in the familiar place between Raven’s legs. So it wasn’t a surprise when the car slowed to a stop, they jumped out and ran inside._

_“Ahh” Raven’s eyes snap wide open at the feeling of Octavia’s teeth latching to her neck. The door wasn’t even closed to her bedroom and she was already half naked._

_“O, slow down” Raven moans, not really meaning what she was saying. She wants to make sure Octavia is in her right mind even though she is drunk herself._

_Octavia responds by pushing her down into the bed to pull Raven’s pants off. It was aggressive and Raven wonders if it was going to be like that first night. She hopes.  
  
Next thing that comes off are Octavia’s pants, underwear, shirt, and bra. She doesn’t waste time on showing off as each item is flung across the room. Raven lays on her back with her elbows propping her up to watch the fire in the wild girl grow. She bites her bottom lip loving how turned on she gets by this. The look in O’s eyes is dark, wanting and unabashed. The look Raven was too afraid to see the first time and now it’s everything she want’s to see. _

_“Take those off and scoot up on the bed” Octavia demands, her voice low and focused.  
_

_Raven blinks once before complying, moaning softly in her throat. She slides her hands down her hips and very slowly slips her thumbs under the band to take them off, intending to fuel the fire. This does not please Octavia, she wants full obedience and in this moment of defiance causes her to take over and rip them away with impatience. Raven smiles knowing her actions are stoking, so she moves to undo her bra next but equally as slow. The wild girl looms over her with heavy breaths, eyes darkening by the second. Raven always pushes Octavia, always challenging her in all aspects and right here is where it all lead to. With out knowing it, this is what she wanted every time she teased the girl, flirted with her and wrestled with her. It was a build up to this moment for her to take and use against her paying her back in kind. Raven lifts her back off the bed to better reach her bra but she is quickly interrupted by force— flipped over and pinned down. Octavia slaps her ass and sits on the red mark to allay the pain, rubbing her wetness up and down on purpose before finishing the job for her, unclasping the bra. She pulls it from underneath but doesn’t let her move.  
  
“You like going slow huh?” O whispers in defiance, her body now pushed flush against Raven’s back as she speaks. “You are always so bad, you know that?”  
  
Raven’s head is turned, palms lay flat on the bed and her breath is heavy. She lifts her hips to rut into the slow rub that Octavia is torturing against her. This is the only time Raven relinquishes control—with her—in this room. It wasn’t something she craved but when it happened, she wanted it desperately; she wanted Octavia to have her, she wanted to be hers to ravish.  
  
Octavia stops her ministration when she feels Raven buck, she hovers her mouth over her neck and whispers, “bad girl” then bites down hard and at the same time she reaches down to slap under her ass over her wet core. The pinned girl gasps into a whine as her muscles tighten with anticipation.  
  
The wild girl begins again rutting from behind against her ass. Just imagining her behind her doing this gets Raven to clench her core repeatedly while fireflies burst in her belly. She moans turning her face into the mattress, there is nothing she wants more right now than to flip over and take control but she grips the sheets and takes it. “Can I spank you?” She hears Octavia ask in her ear. Oh my fucking Christ… Raven clenches. She is so turned on by the sound of her request and what she is asking. She has already spanked her but Raven assumes she needs permission to do more. “Mm Yeah” she responds with a deepness in her voice.  
_

* * *

 

“Fuck!” Raven stops herself from thinking too far into it before she can’t stop herself from playing along. Octavia is the sexiest person she has ever met or had the pleasure of having sex with and Raven has had her fair share of suitors. It was unreal the amount of comfort they have in each other to try new things. It is becoming Raven’s favorite thing to do, exploring limits and discovering themselves with each other. Octavia should be back soon so she turns on the T.V. to distract herself. _Fuck.  
  
_ Most of all she doesn’t want to think about her post orgasm confession. She wanted to say it then but with the clarity of day now she wishes she hadn’t. O didn’t say it back and this made her question things. Even though she felt it in her actions, in every touch and kiss she gave her, it’s so many things can get lost in expression, lines can be blurred and if desire muddies that water then the meaning can be misconstrued. And oh how the lines have burred…Raven is guilty of letting her desires drive her; that’s how she met Clarke. Her brain is on overdrive today; it wont let her relax even for a minute before throwing some ludicrous memory to the forefront of her mind.

* * *

 

_[Kaasi- Those Days](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGuDPp70A1I)  
  
_

_It’s the weekend before school starts and Raven was not looking forward to another year in high school hell. She lives with her Aunt in Denver during the school year since her parent's travel so much. It isn't bad, they leave her alone but they aren't close either. But there is one person who makes it all worth it, she was the only reason she dressed slower in the mornings making sure she looked the best she could and the only reason she ever got excited about going to school. Raven met Octavia in fifth period gym class freshman year, it was volleyball day and coach Jennings was being especially uptight. They bonded over poking fun at their coach while volleying the ball across the net. They laughed until they almost peed their pants making the coach separate the girls so they wouldn’t interrupt playing time for the others. Since that day they were best of friends, so inseparable not even coach Jennings could keep them apart. But this particular weekend tested that bond; it almost tore them apart.  
  
The coming back to school party was always held at Octavia’s friends house, she was a rich girl that went to Denver West while Octavia and Raven attended Denver East. Her mother was never home around this time and her dad traveled frequently testing out his engineered models across Europe. Her mom is a surgeon who travels for conferences and what not, Raven didn’t really care. She just wanted to get drunk. Her feelings were out of control and she didn’t know what to do with them. She couldn’t talk to Octavia because she was the cause of them. She knew Octavia was straight and it didn’t help that she would ask Raven how she looked every time she had a date. It didn’t help that Octavia changed in front of her with out a care in the world, letting it all out. It didn’t help that Octavia was so wild and free with her body. So this party was going to help her get over all of that, she was going to find a distraction. She was going to get drunk.  
  
Octavia of course had come over before the party, changed a few times in front of her, asked her how she looked and helped Raven get ready too. It didn’t help that Octavia said she was hot and could get any guy she wanted at the party. Raven wasn’t out yet or really sure if she was completely gay. She just knew girls were more attractive than boys.  
  
They arrive at the Griffin girls’ house an hour after ten.  
  
“Ray, I can’t wait for you to meet my best friend, she is so fun! We've known each other since we were kids. You never want to go to these parties with me because you’re always stuck in your room building something.” Octavia laughs looping her arm around Raven’s.  
  
Raven shrugs, “I’m here now aren’t I? And besides, I want to get into North Den-U so working on my machines is going to get me there. Can’t help my genius mind enjoys things other than drinking and parties.” She says sarcastically.  
  
They walk up to the door and open it with out knocking. Octavia slips her arm out from her and runs inside, “Sophia! Omg tell me he is here!”  
  
“So much for sticking together” Raven mumbles under her breath. The house was packed and a little hot because of how many people were jumping around and playing odds and end drinking games. She needed a drink and fast, so she walks by Octavia who is enraptured in conversation about some boy that she likes. Raven rolls her eyes and heads toward the kitchen. Jackpot! She sees liquor bottles lining the counter tops, a keg in the corner, and beer in the fridge. Opting for the ‘get drunk quick’ route, she grabs the 1800 tequila and takes a few huge gulps from the bottle.  
_

_“Woah, slow down there. Save some for the rest of us.” She hears a raspy voice.  
  
Raven winces at the burn and when she opens her eyes she sees azure rays staring back at her. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand before extending the bottle to the blonde. Wow, was she gorgeous.  
  
“Uh, sorry. Want some?” Raven smiles looking her up and down shamelessly.  
  
The other girl grins watching her check her out. She takes a swig from the bottle, “Do you like what you see?” she jests.  
  
Raven steps forward into the blonde’s space grabs the bottle from her and takes a generous swallow, “So far so good” she retorts confidently.  
  
The blonde takes her turn to her look up and down before stepping closer where she can smell the tequila from the brunette’s breath. She gets so close that their noses touch. Raven stands perfectly still, taken aback from the bold behavior of this blonde. Just as she thought they were going to kiss, the blonde takes the tequila bottle from her and walks away with a grin, “Let’s see just how far your good can come” And before Raven can muster a sound or a movement, the girl was gone into the crowd.  
  
“Well damn…” She whispers to herself. The burn of the tequila and her desire radiates over her skin. Either the temperature in the room was rising or it was just her. She decides to go for a cold beer to calm herself down and grabs a Heineken from the fridge. She makes her way into the living room where beer pong is set up, couples on the couch making out and someone playing guitar in the corner surrounded by admirers. Guitars were always a hit at a party, if you knew how to play chances are you were going to get laid. Raven shakes her head at the guitar guy serenading the girls on the floor. She walks around into another room, sipping her beer to find a peace circle. In this peace circle there was a bong and a few joints being passed around. It was like a party in Zoolander there were so many rooms with different activities going on. She walks by that particular room and wonders if she will find an orgy in the next room. The tequila she chugged moments ago is now taking effect. She can feel the warmth coating her insides more and more, every step she took it settled in her blood. This house was huge—corridors left and right, rooms seem to be inside other rooms. Raven felt lost so she decides to turn back around toward the main areas. Her beer was empty by the time she made it back where she can see the kitchen, so she makes way to grab another beer from the fridge. She sees Octavia at the bar area and decides to say hello before getting her beer.  
  
“Having fun?” She steps behind Octavia and watches as she downs a shot._

_“Raven! Where have you been? These jack holes have been making me take shots back to back. Here have one!” Octavia grabs the whiskey and sloppily pours her a full shot.  
  
“Uh” Raven attempts to deny her but Octavia lifts the shot up to her mouth so she opens it and lets her friend pour it in.  
  
“There! Feel the burn baby!” Octavia says with excitement.  
  
Raven blushes at the term and swallows without wincing, her eyes locked in green.  
  
Octavia smiles at her before she leans in to give her a hug. “I’m glad you came Ray.” _

_Raven wraps her arms around her, “me too O” and just as fast as she was there Sophia pulls her away. Raven is starting to not like Sophia, like at all.  
  
“He keeps looking over here O, I think you should go dance with him.” Sophia says to her with enthusiasm.  
  
Octavia whips her head around to find Joffrey staring right at her with hooded eyes.  
  
“Oh damn, he is so sexy. Okay, one more shot and I will head over.” Octavia pours herself and Sophia another shot but as soon as she lifts her head up to ask Raven if she wanted one as well she was gone. She looks around the kitchen and the living room and doesn’t find her. She frowns and then shrugs downing the whiskey that will give her courage she needs.  
_

_Raven is out of the kitchen as soon as Octavia calls that asshat sexy. He wasn’t fucking sexy and whose name is Joffrey anyway. Stupid name, stupid hair cut, stupid boy. She managed to grab the rum off the counter before walking away and she is thankful for it. She walks toward the first room they entered when they arrived bottle tilted toward the ceiling. The liquor was working and it allows her to release her anger and worries all at once.  
  
“Whatever” she mumbles. She passes by strangers and familiar faces as she makes her way into a new room. She decides that exploring this house is her priority. This room was dimly lit and is covered in pictures of the parental figures with more important figures; it held awards and certificates as well as a few family photos. Raven walks around taking sips from the bottle observing them.  
  
“Like what you see?” She hears a familiar raspy voice ask from the doorway.  
  
She slowly turns, a smile plastered across her face, and sure enough there the blonde was. It’s been an hour or so since she last saw her and within that hour she has gotten better looking.  
  
_

_“I’m not sure, why don’t you come closer…” Raven feels good and wants to feel even better.  
  
The blonde hesitates before stepping further into the room, Raven can see her reservation and knows exactly how to alleviate her from it. She grabs the blonde’s wrist and takes her through a closed door leading them further from the party.  
  
“Where are you taking me?” The blonde shyly asks through a giggle.  
  
They make it to a couch in the middle of a pitch-black room and she pushes the blonde onto it, “I’ll take you as far as you want to go” Raven whispers. The blonde sits on the edge of the couch feeling Raven get closer by the second. The brunette straddles the blonde beneath her and makes her way onto her lap, each knee sinking into the couch on either side her. She wraps her arms around her neck and leans in to put her lips against the blonde’s ear, “How far do you want to go…” Raven entices.  
  
She doesn’t move forward without consent; she just waits sitting on the girls lap listening to her deep breaths. Soon enough, she gets her answer. The blonde’s hands run up her thighs and up her shirt wrapping around her bareback. Raven responds by scooting further into the girl while placing soft kisses on her neck. The blonde moans quietly in her throat but it’s silent enough in this room to hear it. This fuels Raven on as her kisses increase in pressure making her way to gaping lips. Their kiss was immediately heated; the girl below sucks her in like she has been suppressing something for ages. Raven allows her to take the lead and begins to rock into her pushing her back into the couch so they lay flat. Raven’s hands trail down her sides and under the brim of her pants. The blonde takes a sharp inhale and pulls back slightly, “I’ve never done this before” she confesses.  
  
Raven caresses her just below her pant line, “Do you want to do this?” She kisses her cheek willing to stop and do whatever the blonde is comfortable with. The blonde turns her head like she is thinking, her hands rub Raven’s bare back lifting her shirt further up slowly. After a few moments of soft kisses and rubs, the blonde moves to lift Raven’s shirt up over her head.  
  
“Are you sure?” Raven hums, it feels good to be touched and wanted.  
  
The blonde stays quiet but she can tell there is a smile on her face as her pupils have adjusted to the dark room. The girl proceeds to unclasp Raven’s bra and that was enough of consent for her. She takes her lips into hers before lifting her shirt off as well.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
An hour later they emerge from the back room with flushed faces and wide smiles. As they walk back out into the party, Raven strides right beside the girl with her hand guiding her on the small of her back.  
  
“So uhh, I never got your name” Raven says shyly kind of embarrassed that she never asked.  
  
The blonde laughs rubbing the back of her neck, “Well I never asked for yours either so…”  
  
They both laugh but it’s quickly interrupted by Octavia running up to them, “Clarke! I’ve been looking everywhere for you, Finn keeps bugging Joffery about you and totally co—“ And in this moment Octavia sees Raven right next to Clarke. She looks from Clarke to Raven to Clarke and notices hickeys on Clarke’s neck.  
  
Her eyes narrow as she steps back to further inspect on her suspicion.  
  
“Raven…you know Clarke?” Her voice is choked.  
  
Raven stiffens; she looks at Clarke and then back to Octavia. Shit, this is Clarke? This is Octavia’s best friend? This is the girl she has wanted her to meet? Fuck!  
  
“Uh, no… we just met” She says and with out waiting for a response she just walks off to get a drink from the kitchen. The smell of sex still clings to her lips and fingers. Fuck! She curses at herself as she grabs the handle of the fridge yanks it open and grabs a beer.  
_

_Clarke stands with pale pink cheeks, “That’s Raven?” She looks over Octavia toward the girl walking away.  
  
“Yeah.” Octavia says tightly, squinting at Clarke’s neck. “Are those hickeys?” Her arms cross in front of her, fire burning her guts.  
  
Clarke turns red lifting her hand up to her neck trying to feel them, her mind flashes to the couch she was pressed against with Raven’s lips sealed onto her neck and her fingers inside.  
  
“Umm, I don’t know. So what were you saying? Is Finn cock blocking you?” Clarke tries to change the subject desperately needing to escape her gaze. Raven? The girl Octavia has been non-stop talking about. Raven? The girl Clarke teased Octavia for having a girl crush on? Raven, the friend so amazing she wanted her to meet tonight? Fuck!  
  
_

* * *

  
Raven groans into her hands. It took her months to convince Octavia that it didn’t mean anything. She finally had to say that barely anything happened just so she could have a decent conversation without Octavia yelling at her. It was a half-truth, okay maybe a total lie but Octavia was so pissed off about the possibility of them hooking up that she had to do something. She was more upset than she thought she deserved but it was going to be the end of them if she didn’t lie. Clarke didn’t tell Octavia any details so she came barraging Raven for answers. After that night, it was a blur anyway so she convinced herself that barely anything happened too, even though glimpses of the couch encounter flashed into her mind telling her everything happened. Did anyone have to know? Can’t it just be her and Clarke’s secret?  
  
She sighs into herself thinking that if she were to tell Octavia, she would no longer be welcome in the group or in her bed. It wasn’t about the sex with Octavia; it was more than that. She would risk everything by telling her. Thinking about Lexa and Clarke reminded her how a small lie, even by omission, can root itself below the garden and rear it’s ugly head destroying everything grown above it. She needs to talk to Clarke. So she grabs her phone and sends her a text.

* * *

 

>   
>    
>  \---  
>    
>  **12:21pm- Griffindork  
>    
>  **_RavenClaw: Hey, we need to talk. I think we should tell Octavia about what happened at that party junior year._  
>    
>  _RavenClaw: But I think we should tell her together.  
>    
>  RavenClaw: And what about Lexa? God… Do we have to tell her?_
> 
> \---

* * *

  
  
**3:30pm  
  
** Lexa sits in class twirling her phone in her hand. She wishes Clarke would text her so she can actually focus on her studies. Practice was horrible, Indra made her take laps 3 times because she was distracted. Laps consisted of 2 miles and so she had to miss most of practice to run 6 miles. It was fine though, she used that time to think about everything. Running was always cathartic for Lexa and having that time to sort through her thoughts helped with the worry. She should have told Clarke about Harper but it was so highly insignificant she honestly forgot it had happened. When she saw Bellamy all over her in her room, all she saw was red. It wasn’t like she lied about it on purpose.  
  
She thinks herself in circles as the day drones on, it wasn’t anything but yet she questions why she feels that it could be everything. Like it was the straw and Clarke’s back was just so tired of carrying everyone’s shit. She remembers some of the words Clarke told Anya in the alley.

 _“_ _We find pieces of ourselves in those moments, within other people, and even inside us that we never knew were there. And with all that we can either pick up those pieces and build upon ourselves or let them lie to poke holes in the fabric of our existence.”_ **  
**

Lexa starts to wonder what piece Clarke found in her, if she found one at all. If it was as big as the one she found in Clarke, which is a pretty large piece. She wonders if she is trying to pick up the pieces she found within herself right now and needs this time to put them together.

  
It all made sense in the alley but now she just wants to go back to Sunday when they were one person split in two instead of two people trying to be one. She doesn’t feel illustrious now, despite being so familiar with tragedy. She has the perspective to see the difference and yet the tragic scars win out every time. Lexa tries to hold on to Clarke’s words that weren’t meant for her, which had rang true to her anyway. She needed to step up and be patient but it was hard to hold onto hope when the one person who brought it, the one place where she felt like home, now feels so far away.  
  
She fidgets in her seat unlocking and locking her phone just to see the clock tick to the next minute. Today was going by so slowly and she wouldn’t be done until 5:30 and her dissertation writer’s workshop was her least favorite class.

 _Ugh!_ Lexa lets out deep sigh which causes the guy to her left look at her like if she hated it that much then she should just leave and save everyone the trouble from looking at her. She scooted lower in her seat trying to make herself look as small as possible. It has barely been 12 hours since she has seen Clarke and it feels like eternity. It wouldn’t be so bad if she knew she would see her soon, but reality to Lexa right now is that she has a feeling that it wont be.

 ** _Bzzz_**  
  
The feeling of her phone vibrate in her palm causes her to jump in her seat, hitting her knee underneath the table as she lets out a whine from the pain. The guy next to her shakes his head after looking at her incredulously. She looks back with a pointed glare as to stab him with her eyeballs. _Whatever dude, bite me!  
  
_ Her chest fills with white hot fuzz in hopes that it’s Clarke, she swipes so fast the first few times her phone doesn’t register what she wants. She notices that the text says Anya and her heart melts into a puddle as she clenches her legs together hoping it doesn’t leak out of her butt. She reads the text with frustration.

 

> \---
> 
> **4:09pm  
>    
>  **_Anya: So tell me about Raven  
>    
>  _ \---

* * *

  
Lexa tilts her head to the side not quite understanding why she wants to know about her.

* * *

 

>   
>  \---  
>    
>  **4:10pm- Anya  
>    
>  **_Lexa: Uh, what? Why?_
> 
> _Anya: I just ran into her and she teaches mechanics and engineering? I just want to know more about her, figured since she IS your friend you would know.  
>    
>  Lexa: Yeah she teaches. Anya, I still don’t know what you want to know?  
>    
>  Anya: Is she gay?  
>    
>  _ \---

* * *

_  
_ Lexa sits up straight and looks around shaking her head only to return to her phone typing vigorously.

 

>   
>  \---  
>  **  
> 4:12pm- Anya  
>  **  
>  _**Lexa:** No way, NO. You just dated Clarke’s mom, there is no way in hell I will let you anywhere near Raven. She isn’t a rebound either An, you literally just broke up with Abby yesterday.  
>    
>  **Anya:** Lexa! Relax; it’s just a fucking question. She is interesting is all, I just want to know the friends you are so keen on keeping from everyone else in the world.  
>    
>  **Anya:** I am not trying to steal your friends away.  
>    
>  **Lexa:** You can’t steal them away. They aren’t my possessions Anya and I would like you to get to know them. I know how you are when you are interested in someone. Raven is not available. They are a great group of people, so please don’t do anything that would mess with that. _  
>  _  
> **Anya:** I won’t mess with your people Lexa. Whatever.  
>  _ \---

* * *

  
  
She looks up from her phone gripping it tightly. Anya was always bouncing from one thing to the next, it may have been a coping mechanism or that she really did bounce back that quickly but Lexa wasn’t going to let her bounce around with her friends. Raven is with Octavia or at least trying to be and if Lexa knows Anya, she knows once she has her eyes on someone she usually gets them. She can be persuasive as fuck because she was excellent at reading people. Anya found their desires and weaknesses within the first hour of meeting them. It is one of her better skills, next to fighting and weaponry. She hopes that Anya doesn’t feel it necessary to make herself desirable or useful in a sense. Lexa knows that Anya thinks in ways of use, if she wasn’t pulling her weight or valuable to the group then there was no reason to be kept around. This was her way or the way living on the streets made her; she didn’t like feeling useless— it gave others power over her. Lexa exhales and replies.

* * *

 

>   
>  \---  
>    
>  **4:16pm-Anya  
>    
>  **_**Lexa:** They are your people now too. I want you with me, its just Raven is with Octavia. They have something going on and I think it’s delicate. All I am asking is to not get in the middle of that. You don’t have to bring anything to the table to be welcome.  
>    
>  _ \---

* * *

  
  
She waits for her reply but doesn’t receive one. She wants Anya to be a part of this family—the family she found her home in. She doesn’t want to cause a ripple that rocks the boat. With one more worry to stack on top of her Jenga-riddled mind, Lexa crumples up the piece of paper she had written two sentences of notes on and throws it at the guy next to her with contempt and frustration. He flinches before looking over at her with eyes like she betrayed her country. She didn’t look away when he glares this time, instead he finds her squared up and staring. Something about messing with him distracts Lexa from her thoughts; she shrugs her shoulders at him with a smile welcoming the distraction. She watches him squint his eyes at her before picking up the paper to un-crumple it. _I didn’t throw you a note, you idiot._ She laughs at herself, maybe she should have. He reads the paper realizing that there was nothing for him in there and he proceeds to write something instead. Lexa turns to find if the professor noticed anything but he is at his desk not minding the class as they fulfill brainless work. Next thing she sees is a paper ball flying across her desk and on to the floor. Lexa reaches to pick it and looks over at the boy but he is already back to his notes like before. She opens it up and reads: _Did you forget to take your medicine this morning? Hit me up if you need some.  
  
_ Lexa reads it twice. _Did this guy just… Is he a drug dealer?_ She crumples the paper back up and leaves it sitting on her desk. To distract herself further, she contemplates what kind of drugs he sells; she turns her head to inspect him like a Sherlock Holmes descendant. He has a sweater over a collard shirt, messy hair, and he is wearing Sperry boat shoes with shorts that seem a little too short. His leg is bouncing up and down and if she looked carefully she can see him clench his jaw repeatedly. Lexa guesses it must be Adderall or any kind of upper— this guy looks like he is in a fraternity. She is familiar with the methamphetamine but didn’t like how she felt after using them. In L.A. they had plenty of options to choose from, especially on runs. In order to stay up Lexa would choose uppers, where as everyone else had their vice. Some chose heroin, oxi, alcohol, meth, yay or addy. Whatever you wanted they could get. It wasn’t a nice crowd but they protected each other and some of it helped take the edge off from what they had to do. This guy— however, she is sure just wanted to elevate himself within his brotherhood while passing his classes on a buzz. Innocent enough but she no longer condoned drug use. It almost made her into something she couldn’t turn back from and she would never let something like that happen again… so long as she can help it.

* * *

 

_[Dropout- Hollywood Horror ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8kPYTwOrXY) _

  
  
_The vibrations between her thighs, as the engine rattled on, is something she never got used to. It kept her awake on nights like these; with arms wrapped tightly around her waist she heads to the rendezvous point where they would gear up before the run. The wind bares a cold edge that parries into her cheeks; her leather jacket and jeans protect her body but her face lie victim to the night. She didn’t wear a helmet, even though Anya insisted she should, it hindered her ability to see around her. She needed all senses alive on these runs or she could—_

_No. She never thought about what could happen; she made herself live in the moment, doing what is necessary. Anya has done so much—too much for her. If she does enough of these they can get a place of their own.  
  
The street lights metronome by as she speeds through the midnight cemented sea. It was quiet, like a calm before the storm; the city’s underbelly always held a serene film. Lexa knew better than to take solace in it, for she saw what really went on under the vale. Every night was something new and she found that thrilling. Her life held little value; at least that is what she learned at a young age. It is that value that could get you killed out here anyway, so she never invested in the idea that her life meant anything. This is what made her brave and she needed brave—Anya needed brave.  
  
Her motorcycle slows to a stop in front of an abandoned warehouse near the docking grounds. One light hung above them flickering warnings below. The girl behind her gets off the bike first as she holds the bike steady and kicks the stand to rest its heated body. Lexa gets off and proceeds to walk inside the warehouse with the girl in tow. The girl’s name is April and she has been a part of this chapter for years, once she saw Lexa she claimed her seat. Lexa didn’t care; she brought trust from the others and gave her affection easily. It was nice and she was very attractive, so it was a no brainer.  
  
They jawed the plan off, dispersed weapons and drugs before heading out. They were to intercept a semi-truck full of shipment. She didn’t know what they were hijacking because all that mattered was that they got the truck back to the warehouse with the least amount of resistance and attention and then she would get paid. April walks up to her with a few pills in her hand and gives Lexa a deep kiss before placing them in her mouth. She figured they were her usual amphetamine and took them with out question.  
  
She returns to her bike with April and follows the rest of the gang out on route. In the middle of the ride out those pills start to kick in and she feels fearless, she feels absolutely energized and awake, like she could do anything. They find their cargo on a back road highway; there were two cars and three motorcycles in their parade. Lexa volunteered to be the hijacker this time making her designated weapon the stun gun. Her job was to jump from her bike onto the cab and get inside, disarm the driver and take over the rig. She’s seen it done many times on previous runs, and yeah it was all, Fast and the Furious kind of shit but it was real. She couldn’t believe things like this actually happened but it paid too damn well for her to care.  
  
April was behind her so she can scoot in to take over steering while she stepped up on the bike to take her leap. This was it they all fall into their positions and Lexa increases her speed beside the passenger side of the rig while both cars pin it to the middle of the road. One bike is ahead slowing it down while the others stride behind it making sure everything goes according to plan. April is wearing a helmet so they can communicate but Lexa is just in leather and denim with the stun gun in her pocket. She slowly lifts herself up as April slides beneath her to take over, her foot steps in the middle of the handle bars as her other on the seat in between April’s thighs. Lexa signals for her to move closer so she can grab on to the vertical bar near the door. The driver knows what’s happening and is swerving his rig side to side, trying to escape. It causes Lexa to brace herself as April swerves to avoid collision. Next thing Lexa hears is gunfire and shattering glass, she immediately reacts and jumps onto the rig despite it being nearly a yard away. She manages to grab the bar but her feet slip and hit the moving cement hard flinging her body back. Her grip is strong but her arm bends and bangs against the metal of the cab, she feels her legs yelling for her to stop as surges of pain trickle up her spine. She needs to save her men, if any of them get shot, she is fucked and she won’t get paid. Lexa manages to get her foot up on the step and her other hand on the bar. She idles for a moment as another shot rings from within the cab out the passenger side window.  
  
“Shit!”  
  
He sees her and swerves again to try and fling her off. She keeps hold hugging herself flush to the side. Some how she has to dodge his line of fire to open the door and get inside. Her heart is racing but the drugs she took allow her to slow things down and think. She has no fear; it was all focus and adrenaline now. Looking to her left she sees April keeping up with her, she signals to her that she needs her to speak to the gang and that she needs a distraction. They developed signals in sign language in order to communicate silently if they needed to and in this moment Lexa is fucking glad she paid attention. April nods her head.  
  
Lexa reaches into her pocket to check if the stun gun is still there and to her surprise is isn’t.  
  
“Fuck” she mutters to herself. It must have dropped when she made the leap. Okay, change of plans. She hangs on as her team gets in position for a diversion. She needs to think fast because her window is about to open and she needs a way to debilitate the driver with out killing him. But before she can think, the diversion is underway. The driver is distracted and it’s now! She has to act. She flings her arm to the door handle and opens the passenger door wide open. He swerves the rig to the left causing the door to begin to shut. Lexa sticks her leg out to stop it causing the door to slam into her leg with an agonizing blow. She grunts into it but she keeps moving managing to get her foot inside and grip the door with her right hand. The driver sees her start to enter and is about to shoot when a set of chains hits through the already broken window whipping his arm in the process. He screams in pain as Lexa shuffles into the seat next to him grabbing his gun. But his grip is tight and he struggles against her. She punches him in the throat while her other hand grips the gun pushing it away from her abdomen. Those pills are in full effect and she feels numb, nothing hurts and she is calm. Slowly she wraps her arm around his neck and tightens her grip. His hand on the wheel grips white knuckle, his radio weaving in and out of static. She hears him struggling to breath but her breathing is louder in her ears. His gun comes loose and she pulls it away from him throwing it on the floor of the cab. She tightens her grip around his neck and puts her other hand on the wheel to keep the rig steady and on the road. He weakens—she is focused, eyes on the road—his breathing slows—she focuses now on sliding her foot toward the brake—he isn’t breathing—she is determined and focused still, the rig has to be controlled.  
  
When he collapses she doesn’t think about him, she releases her grip and slides on his lap and proceeds to slow the rig into a full stop. She hears banging, hoots and hollers outside coming from her crew.  
  
She did it.  
  
Lexa takes a deep breath, puts the rig in park and slips off the man beneath her. She needs to check and see if he is all right but she freezes as soon as she sees his face. His eyes are closed; his lips are blue.  
  
“No no no…” she slaps his cheek and shifts his body onto his back. She can hear her crew opening the back of the rig to check the cargo. Its routine and necessary before they can call back and let them know they got it. Lexa is worried but she couldn’t panic if she wanted to. She felt numb and she killed him.  
  
He is dead.  
  
Lexa shakes her head falling back on her heel. “I killed him…” Her face is ghost white when April steps into the cab. She gasps but doesn’t hesitate in pulling at Lexa to get her out of there.  
  
“It happens Lexa. Don’t worry; he would have killed you just the same. The boys will take care of it. You don’t have to worry.” April’s words barely register in Lexa’s ears. It didn’t matter— she killed a person. She pushes off of April and rushes to the man unconscious or dead—it didn’t matter because she is not and will not become a murderer tonight! She lunges to his body and begins CPR.  
  
“Come on!”  
  
She clasps her hand over her fist and pounds them into his chest erratically fifteen times, pinches his nose, tilts his head back and breathe into his mouth twice and turns her head to see his chest fall. She does this repeatedly while April and her crew watches.  
  
“Lexa! Let it go, he’s dead!” One crewmember calls out.  
  
“NO!” she screams and bangs his chest even harder. He can’t be dead, she isn’t a murderer this isn’t her life. No amount of money is worth this… She can’t be this...  
  
Just as soon as she was about to give up, the man below gasps for air. He winces and turns over coughing and grabbing his throat.  
  
“Jesus fuck…” Lexa whispers exhaustedly. She pats his back, as she looks up at her crew who all stare wide-eyed. She isn’t a murderer… she is still Lexa.  
  
_

* * *

_  
_ Those days were in the past and if she can help it she will keep them there. The feeling in her gut wrenches. Where would she be if she let April pull her from the cab? Who would she be? Lexa shakes her head out from darkness and sits up in her seat.  
  
She clicks her phone on and sees that it’s 5:30. Students are packing up and turning in their progress at the front of the class. Lexa whines into her hands as she rubs her face. She has nothing but a crumpled piece of paper to turn in. The frat guy next to her gets up grinning at her and sets a card with a number on her desk before he makes his way down to turn in his work. She looks at the card and it has a number printed in the middle. Flipping it to the other side she finds nothing. It’s just a number. Lexa looks down toward the guy following him with her eyes as he exits the room. She thinks to herself something before she notices that she is the only one still sitting in her seat. She promptly shoves everything into her bag and makes her way down to the professor to ask for an extension so she wouldn’t get a zero for the day. _Way to go Lexa._ Yet she is thankful that these are the trials she worries about now, a zero in class instead of a dead man in a cab. _Way to go._

* * *

 

 **6:58pm  
  
** Clarke is sitting in her room, a long day now behind her. She tries to balance her mind but she can’t stop being human and full of emotion. She wants to go back to the peace she found when she woke but it evades her now. It’ll have to be a constant battle to achieve that state consistently. She knows she can’t always stick her head above water.  
  
Octavia has yet to come home so she decides to sketch before she arrives. She has a few ideas for some paintings that she will enter into the Ark show in a few months. She has to submit three of her best works to be considered for showing. Since all her current paintings are old she wants to do something new and fresh.  
  
She completes two sketches before she hears the door open and slam shut, “WHERE ARE YOU BITCH!?” Octavia screams from the living room.  
  
Clarke laughs and gets up to greet her in the hallway, “I’m right here O-Ren Ishii” she jokes. “What are you yelling for?!”  
  
“First of all thank you, O-Ren Ishii is a bad ass! And secondly I should go all Kill Bill on your ass because you haven’t answered any of my texts!” Octavia huffs walking toward her.  
  
“Sorry, I left my phone at home today. What did you text?” Clarke asks, still not having checked her phone since arriving home. (which she soo should have)  
  
“Guess fucking what?!” Octavia jumps up and down grabbing Clarke’s arms barely able to hold in a squeal.  
  
Clarke’s eyes widen and she starts to jump too, “No way! Did you get it? Did you get on the team?!”  
  
Her best friend nods frantically, “YEEEE!!!”  
  
They spin around jumping in the air screaming. “I am so proud of you O! You really worked hard. I have never seen you so determined before—well with homework that is!” She laughs and continues to jump with her friend in the hallway.

After thirty minutes of details and more screaming they settle in the living room with glasses of wine. This time Clarke is the one who digs the juice out from the cabinet. Octavia knew it was talk time before she even broke the wine out but it still made it more evident that Clarke had something serious to say.  
  
Octavia sits back in the couch and sips on her wine waiting for Clarke to begin but she looks like she is struggling to start. Her blue eyes wander the room while she takes large gulps of her full glass.  
  
“Clarke” Octavia decides to start for her stopping the blonde from mindlessly searching the room for a place to begin. Clarke turns her head to meet her friend’s viridian gaze.  
  
Octavia decides to speak first, “I know that I didn’t tell you and I know I should have but from the moment you collapsed onto the floor that night, how could I? You were broken and needed to heal. I had to tell Lexa to leave because you weren’t coherent…”  
  
Clarke tilts her head slightly at that knowledge but lets her keep going.  
  
“…You were distraught Clarke, and I decided that it wasn’t going to help you. I was protecting you from hurting because it meant nothing to Lexa. I saw the whole thing and yeah Lexa shouldn’t have done the body shot but Harper held her neck and as soon as she could Lexa yanked away. I—“  
  
“Okay stop!” Clarke held up her hand. Hearing the details just made it worse. She didn’t want to hear any more excuses or justifications. “It doesn’t matter, the only thing that matters is that it happened. I wanted to talk to you about that… and about Bellamy.”  
  
Octavia slumps further into the couch at the mention of her brother.

“I’m sorry about that too Clarke…” Octavia looks into her glass of wine ashamed.  
  
Clarke shakes her head, “No O. Don’t. You don’t need to be sorry. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, he did.” She tries to make that very clear to her.  
  
“Will you tell me what happened?” Octavia pleas, “I need to know everything Clarke, please tell me…”  
  
Clarke takes a deep breath and looks into her eyes, “Okay” she whispers. She takes the rest of the wine that’s in her glass in one gulp.

“I went to use the restroom in my room because you know I hate the hallway one—“  
  
Octavia nods her head.  
  
“—And I heard my door open and close. I thought it was Lexa but no one answered me so I shrugged it off thinking it was in my head. But when I came out of the bathroom Bellamy was sitting on my bed. He started to talk about the past.”  
  
Clarke reaches for the bottle of wine and pours herself another hefty glass. She takes a sip before asking, “remember when Finn passed, I took a trip to New Mexico and Bellamy came with me?”  
  
Octavia shook her head, “I didn’t know he went with you…”  
  
“Well he did, and we kissed on the trip. I was lost and lonely and he was there for me O. I didn’t know what I was doing. Nothing more than that happened but I guess for him it meant more. So he brought that up and wanted to resume where we left off. I told him we were just friends and that he is like a brother to me.”  
  
She took a sip of wine.  
  
“He kept stepping closer to me while I was pushing against his chest and explaining to him that he didn’t understand. He didn’t let me talk and he had his hands around me. I tried pushing against him but he wasn’t listening. He was drunk…” She looks at Octavia to make sure she should keep going.  
  
“Clarke, I want to know. Keep going.” She says through stiff lips. **  
  
** She takes a deep breath, “His arms were tight and he slammed his lips against mine. I didn’t kiss back but he forced his tongue inside my mouth. His hands were grabbing under my ass and…h-his fingers were pushing into me. And that’s when Lexa came in and she saw him but thought I was into it and she slammed the door and ran off…”  
  
She gulps some more wine, “So I gathered all I had in me and finally pushed him off, It all happened so fast I didn’t really know what was happening but I yelled at him that if girl is trying to push you away to fucking let her…”  
  
At this point Clarke’s eyes are swollen with tears. She hadn’t thought of that incident since the night it happened and even then the memory was clouded by Lexa’s feelings and her reaction. Clarke only cared about how Lexa felt and disregarded how she felt about the whole thing. Only realizing now how she feels about it, in front of her best friend, talking about it.  
  
“Clarke…” Octavia chokes through her own tears. “I am so sorry… are you okay?” She reaches her hand out to rub her knee.  
  
Clarke shrugs taking another gulp of her wine, “Yeah, I guess. I mean nothing happened really.”  
  
“Clarke. Yes it did. He violated you and you were asking him to stop with your voice and your actions and he didn’t. I mean, god Clarke. What if Lexa hadn’t of walked in?!” She says with anger.  
  
“I don’t know O! Nothing! He wouldn’t have…” Her voice trails off into a whisper because does she know he wouldn’t have? Can she really know? Thinking about it seems ridiculous.  
  
“We don’t know that Clarke. I can’t even say that I recognize him anymore. He used to be my brother and now… I can’t even look at him with out thinking about it.”  
  
“I shouldn’t have kissed him in New Mexico, it’s my fault for leading him on.”  
  
Octavia squeezes her knee, “Absolutely not Clarke! Why must you always find reasons to blame yourself? He knows you don’t feel the same way, if you did you would have made something happen. He forced himself on to you and that is in no way your fault! Jesus Clarke! It’s not your fucking fault!”  
  
“Okay! Octavia… I’m sorry. Just don’t yell at me…” Clarke whines with a cracked voice as her tears fall down her flush cheeks. She is embarrassed and upset that it happened and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore but she knows she has to. Octavia needs to know and should know what happened between her best friend and her brother. Even if it’s awful.  
  
“I’m sorry… It—it’s just I’m upset Clarke. I fucking hate him! I can’t believe he hurt you and that it happened without me knowing. I wish you had told me sooner before I let him back into our house. He deserved what Lexa gave him even worse!” She sits her glass of wine down on the coffee table.  
  
“Listen, I will always be here for you Clarke. I love you no matter what and I will protect you when I can. I just have to know these things in order to do that.” She grabs Clarke’s wine glass and sets it adjacent to hers.  
  
“Promise me you won’t keep things like this from me again?”  
  
Clarke looks at her from eye to eye, tears blocking most of her view of them. She knows she has one secret in particular she has kept from Octavia but she isn’t sure she should be the one to tell her. So she nods her head and wraps her arms around her best friend. After a few minutes of a salty embrace, Clarke pulls away.  
  
“I need to talk to you about something else,” she says while sitting back against the couch after grabbing her wine from the table.  
  
Octavia follows suit and sits back to listen, “Okay, I’m all ears.”  
  
Her blue eyes gaze down into her wine before taking a sip, “I’m still upset with you and Raven. Not because you kept the kiss from me but because of what happened because of it.”  
  
She clears her throat, “I felt so guilty and ashamed from what Bellamy did that I killed myself trying to make Lexa forgive me. I buried what he did to me in the back of my mind ignoring how it affected me because I was more worried how it affected Lexa. She was so sad and hurt by it. That night, I opened myself up to her and I was ready to give her everything. But she couldn’t see passed it, she basically told me she didn’t want me anymore and that she couldn’t look at me. We talked it out and we made up but as soon as we got to the house she shut down and pulled back. I was so hurt by it all, vulnerable and disgusted. I was shocked at what Bellamy was doing and I did try pushing him away and then after I threw myself at Lexa, she pushed _me_ away. I felt gross and alone. Even after that night, I feel that way. I blamed myself for it and it ripped my heart to pieces knowing that Lexa saw that. And then the next morning I heard you and Raven talking in the kitchen, that Lexa kissed a girl. I hurt even more; I hated myself, doubted that Lexa wanted me, and upset my friends were hiding that from me. I really do understand that you were doing it to protect me. I get that…because sometimes that is necessary. But it was more about the information this time. It would have helped so much to know. I thought maybe you guys would tell me what happened but you never did. So then that night at Polis, when you saw Harper, you still weren’t going to tell me. You were standing there trying to hide it from me even though she was right there trying it again. When I saw Harper and how she kissed Anya with her hands on Lexa, I lost it. I broke right then and there, Octavia. I was crashing and I kept crashing all up until I heard Anya say she was seeing my mom and then everything went quiet in my head.”  
  
Clarke turns away from Octavia to stop herself from crying, “I realized that there is so much pain in this world and I am happy to bear it. I really am. But I also know that there is love and I want to focus on that. I want to focus on what I have.” She turns toward Octavia who sits silently listening. “I have people who love me and who I would gladly take the pain for… but I need you to trust me that I can handle it. Because the smallest thing can make all the difference and I need you to be by my side even if I can’t handle it.”  
  
Her words are not only spoken from her own lips but she hears them too. She knows she has to tell Octavia about Raven and her junior year. That in order for her words to ring true she has to be truthful to her as well.  
  
“So that being said… I need to tell you something. I didn’t think it was my place to tell you but after everything that I just said, I need to put my trust in you that you can handle it. I want there to be no secrets between us. But before I tell you, I want you to know that I thought I was protecting you just like you thought you were protecting me. I hope it means nothing now but I know that it could make all the difference and god…I hope it doesn’t. I need you and Raven with me, more now than ever…”  
  
Octavia fidgets getting extremely worried, “Clarke, for fucks sake just tell me already! You’re really freaking me out.”  
  
“Ugh, okay.” She grabs Octavia’s wine glass and sets it on the table. Clarke isn’t sure how she is going to react and she would rather not have to clean up a broken glass and wine stains.  
  
“So you remember junior year of college and that party before school started?”  
  
“yeah…”  
  
“Well I met this girl and I’ve never seen her before. And we ended up having sex in my dad’s den. We walked out into the living room and then that’s when you walked up to us talking about Joffrey and Finn.”  
  
Clarke didn’t want to tell her flat out that Raven and her had sex. For some reason it was easier to let her put the pieces together. Octavia never asked her about it after that night. She knew that she was upset by the way she acted after she found them walking closely together with hickeys all over her neck. But after that night, it was never brought up between them.  
  
She waits for Octavia to say something but she doesn’t. She just starts shaking her head tears swelling in her eyes again.  
  
“Octavia, I didn’t know…” Clarke reaches her hand out to touch her leg but Octavia smacks it away.  
  
“You and Raven?” she chokes out at a whisper.  
  
Clarke nods, “I had no idea that it was Raven… we were drunk. And even after that, I thought you two were just friends. I never would have done it if I kn—“  
  
“Shut your mouth, just shut up.” Octavia shakes her head into her hands. She tries to think back to that night. Deep down she knew. She knew as soon as she saw both of their faces. She just didn’t want to believe it.  
  
“No, I asked Raven if you two had sex and she said barely anything happened.”  
  
Clarke sighs, “It did happen. I wish it didn’t now, but it did.” She wanted to say that Raven helped her realize she was bisexual. That she wouldn’t have done it if she knew that Octavia had feelings for her. She wanted to tell her that Raven and her talked a lot after that night and she helped her figure herself out. But looking at her now, she knew she could spare the details.  
  
“Th—then she lied to me…She said you didn’t. And I believed her…” Octavia sobs into her hands. “You were my best friend, how could you…” **  
**  
“I’m sorry… Octavia please. I still am your best friend.”  
  
Octavia huffs at that but jerks her head up as if a sudden thought popped in her head, “Has anything happened since then?” She looks upward obviously thinking back in memories. “God, all this time and you two—“ She doesn’t dare finish her thought.  
  
“No! Octavia. Nothing has happened, not even a little since that night junior year. I would never.” She reaches out and this time Octavia lets her touch her.  
  
“But you did Clarke…How can I look at her when I know you were there first?”  
“You can O… She loves you and you love her I know it. It was such a long time ago. I really am sorry. But you have been with so many guys since then, a lot of whom Raven knew and she still looks at you like you are the Virgin Mary of her dreams.” She rubs her best friends leg. “I’m so so sorry Octavia.”  
  
The brunette grunts into her hands leaning her head back into the couch. “UGHHH! You fucking bitch.” She says with an airy laugh.  
  
Clarke smiles and lets out a heavy breath. Maybe it will all be okay. “I know I _am_ a fucking bitch. I will make it up to you. I’ll cook and clean forever and you won’t have to do anything.”  
  
Octavia splays her fingers and peeks through them at her roomie, “Keep talking…”  
  
Clarke laughs, “I promise I will wash your clothes and if I ever get famous for my art I will be your sugar mama.”  
  
With that O sits up off the couch and punches Clarke’s arm, “fucking right you will!”  
  
“And I will let you slap me but just once!”  
  
Octavia looks inquisitive but then grins widely, “Deal! Can I slap you right now?”  
  
Clarke squints and immediately regrets saying that last part but nods her head anyway. She gets up, folds her legs underneath her and sits on her heels while sticking her face out. “You better make it good because this is the on—“  
  
**SMACK  
  
** Octavia slaps her across the face knocking her into the cushions on the other side of the couch.  
  
Clarke whines into a laugh and lifts herself up while rubbing her cheek, “Fucking fuck O! That was a good one. Okay but that is _the_ only one!”  
  
“Did it hurt?”  
  
“Hell yeah it fucking hurt, I think I might have a bruise.”  
  
Octavia smiles, throws her arms around her best friend and hugs her, “good, you deserved it.”  
  
Clarke laughs and hugs her best friend back. “I love you O”  
  
“I love you too hoebag” **  
**  
**  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is trying to reinforce her foundation by talking to everyone in her group dynamic. Things need to be maintained.. 
> 
> Talk List:
> 
> Octavia - check  
> Raven -  
> Anya -  
> Abby -  
> Lexa...


	3. Scrum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously on FOTF: 
> 
> They return from their night from Polis a little worse for wear. Clarke needs space from Lexa in order to talk to her friends and to figure out where all the pieces go. 
> 
> Octaven are super hot for each other and can't reel it in. 
> 
> Clarke struggles with her emotions as she confronts Octavia about Bellamy and divulges a secret that might not be just hers to share.

** Ch. 3 - Scrum ** **  
  
**

Despite the talk last night, Clarke could feel the tension between making the coffee and scrambling the eggs this morning. It wasn’t awkward but it wasn’t smooth and effortless either. Octavia gave forced smiles and would avoid contact at all costs. Which is highly unusual for the very tactile girl. Clarke wasn’t expecting it to be that easy after their talk, not at all, but she had hoped it would be easier than this. Octavia insisted on washing the dishes alone leaving Clarke to sit at the breakfast bar to bask in the thick of it, watching her best friend suffer because of her past. It was something that happened so perfectly in a moment back then, one moment that is haunting her now. This week just won’t quit. But Clarke can’t seem to feel regret for that moment. It helped her more than it’s burdening her now but she has a lot more talking to do, so she waits for that verdict to affirm her conclusion. The stale air sits between her bones as she shifts on the bar stool, the exact stool she had purchased with Octavia at Ikea, when things were simple—at ease.  The sound of muffled dishes clang together a little too loud a few times, drawing Clarke’s attention from her phone. She starts to worry she might break something. Her phone weighs almost as heavy as her heart. After walking into her room the night before she found her phone intending to send a message to Raven, only to find messages waiting for her.

\---

 

 

> **Monday 12:21pm - Griffindork  
>    
>  ** **_RavenClaw_ ** _: Hey, we need to talk. I think we should tell Octavia about what happened at that party junior year._
> 
> **_RavenClaw_ ** _: But I think we should tell her together.  
>    
>  **RavenClaw** : And what about Lexa? God… Do we have to tell her?_

\---

 

Clarke’s thumb hovers over the screen as her eyes find comfort in a stare, her vision going blurry. Omissions are dangerously close to deliberate lies in her book but sometimes things are meant to stay buried. Clarke’s mind thinks about history and how it’s the most important lesson of all. If she didn’t learn from it, she would be doomed to repeat the same mistakes or even worse be lost and aimless. There are always two sides to a story, a coin, even a person. So even though she thinks omitting truth is similar to a lie, she feels that her past should be her own (and Raven’s in this case) but she asks herself why should she feel bad about it?  Raven has and will always be special to her. She doesn’t regret what happened junior year, it isn’t shame she feels; it’s sadness. She doesn’t feel guilty but she does feel bad that it hurts Octavia. And perhaps it will hurt Lexa too. The past is solid, unwavering and unforgiving and she can’t change it even if she wanted to. Her mind wonders to Lexa in this moment and stays there, she misses her so much it’s starting to hurt. The space Lexa usually fills with warmth has been dropping in degree since that night at Polis and all she wants to do is fill it back up with a text, a voice, her touch, anything to help keep the temperature at a comforting level. The kiss with Harper and Bellamy seem to be mere shadows cast by this protrusion of the past—this seemingly small thing that she has been hiding for the sake of social serenity. Clarke grumbles at herself for letting all this happen. It compounded into this and she tries to think back to when each individual piece started to fall apart.

               Octavia finishes putting the dishes away in silence and turns to find Clarke staring into space. Her feelings have had time to sink in and she still hasn’t forgiven her but she takes into account the past few days. Her best friend has been through a lot and the incident (is what she will call it) happened long ago. But she feels rotten and a little betrayed by them. She should have been told back then so she could have sorted it all out and be perfectly okay with it now. But no, her best friends had to keep a huge ugly secret from her, only for her to find out about it while dating Raven. Betrayal is the only explanation to how she feels and she isn’t sure whom she is mad at: herself for believing that nothing happened that night, Raven for lying, or Clarke for getting there first. With a deep sigh she decides that she would just focus on school.

  
“So, I- um I’m going to get ready for class,” she says lowly, careful not to intrude too harshly on the blonde’s deep thoughts.   
  
Clarke blinks the cotton from her eyes, “Oh, okay... I should probably head out too.”

 

Octavia hesitates between the kitchen and the hallway suddenly very interested in the wood grain of the counter. She doesn’t move right away which causes Clarke to look up in concern. “Are yo—  
  
“I think…” Octavia interrupts, gripping at her sides, “I think I need some time, so I’ll see you later. I’m going to ride my bike to school.”  She looks up after her statement and finds understanding in Clarke’s eyes.  As soon as she sees her nod, she takes off to her room with plenty of time to get to class.

 

//

 

Grass has a certain smell to it when it’s ripped from the ground. It’s a smell Lexa finds a calm in, a smell that strengthens her resolve in the middle of chaos.  She rubs her shoulder after a particularly rough tackle from the opposing team a few plays ago. The scrimmage Titus set up was under way with five more minutes left in the second half. Her frustration has been an easy motivator. She’s been called on a few of her tackles and hasn’t kept herself in check. Anya comes up behind her after a knock-on, the ball-moving forward after a momentary loss of possession, causing a stoppage of play for a scrum. She wraps her hand in Lexa’s jersey and pulls her close.   
  
“You good?”   
  
Lexa tilts her chin down in one solid tug in affirmation as she takes her mouth guard out to grip between her teeth. She hated wearing it but after a nasty bout one of her teammates had last year losing her front tooth on an opponent’s knee, Lexa bears it for the sake of her smile. She rolls her shoulder before she spares a glance toward Anya, her brows downcast. They look at each other in a brief moment of encouragement before getting into position in front of three forwards of Denver Central. The game has been in their favor since the first half but it should have been easier.  The smell of the early morning dew on their jerseys is evident as they close in. Lexa breathes heavy for a few moments while each team capitalizes on the small breather granted to them. Cen-Den isn’t a D1 school but they often scrimmage with North-Den for practice. They haven’t ever been good enough to defeat them but today they are putting up quite the fight. Anya wraps her arm behind Lexa and grips her jersey at her back, binding them together with Echo for the scrum. A scrum is the restart of a play after a minor infringement involving players packing closely together in a fight for possession of the ball. Lexa gets low on one knee at the ready; she places her mouth guard back in her mouth and bites down hard. Three white and red jersey forwards against three black jersey forwards, all similar in size.  
  
“Crouch!” The ref calls.  
  
Her mind flits to Clarke and their hiatus.   
_Fuck that.  
  
_ To Harper and the kiss that caused it.   
_Stupid._

“Bind!”  
  
She lifts her knee from the ground as they interlock heads, pushing against each other’s front lines with force. Her shoulder aches but she pushes it to the back of her mind using it in this moment as fuel. Titus insisted on scrimmaging to see where the team is after the winter break.  His starting seven as of now consists of Lexa, Anya, Echo, Ontari, Allie, Fox, and Zoe. They’ve formed an alliance that was hard to penetrate if you wanted to be a part of the starting line. Lexa and Anya are hard to please during practice and won’t hesitate to rotate you down. Titus grants them final say as to who plays and who sits as substitutes.  Lexa is still captain thanks to Anya stepping down after being offered to lead three years ago and rightfully so because Lexa is their leader—their commander. Lexa is who they all look up to and at the same time who they all fear.  
  
“Set!”

Lexa pushes forward hard on her back leg along with Anya and Echo challenging the other team off balance for the put-in.   
  
The scrumhalf, Ontari, tosses the ball in the tunnel but feeds the ball toward North-Den legs to keep possession. Lexa manages to hook the ball back where Ontari runs behind to scoop up the ball and tosses it back to Fox before she is tackled to the ground. Lexa breaks away from the scrum and falls back into line just as Fox breaks left to find a gap. But she is quickly met with wrapping arms on her waist in efforts to pull her down. Fox tosses it back to Allie where she quickly throws it to Zoe to gain the yards they desperately seek. A Cen-Den forward tries to dive into Zoe’s mid-section but she tosses the ball off to Anya who is eagerly waiting. Anya fakes right but cuts left causing the opposition to jumble to keep up. She runs up into black jerseys of Cen-Den’s right defensive side to create space and throws it back to Fox. She sees a gap and tries to brush through but is met with three black jerseys swarming her to the ground. Lexa is off to the right awaiting play to be swung for a break away try. Fox hits the ground hard, managing to toss a weak pass that falls short. Zoe rushes to the ball getting to it first and stretches on her knees to throw it to Ontari who runs up with Allie and Lexa behind her in a slant. Anya positions herself to the left of Allie who starts running up the pitch. Allie sees the open field and knows Lexa’s speed is better than hers so she tosses it back to Lexa before being harshly thrown to the ground. Lexa sprints up their right side with a black jersey trailing behind her. She feels the girl on her heels and soon after she feels her hands gripping around her waist to pull her down. She refuses to be taken down, thrashing her elbows out which find purchase with the opponent’s cheekbone. Regardless of her efforts the girl brings her down on her right shoulder.   
  
_“Fuck!”_  Lexa spits out the breath being knocked out of her, managing to keep the ball in her arms. Her muscles ache and spasm telling her to sprawl out for air but she keeps huddled over the ball waiting for her team to catch up. Anya is not far behind and pushes the black jersey off of Lexa but not before the girl lands a fist to her ribs in retaliation. Lexa grunts but lays still while Anya lies on top of Lexa protecting the ball waiting for Echo to come from behind to pick up the ball and continue play.   
  
As soon as Echo scoops up the ball and tosses it back to the safety of their line, Anya lifts off of her.  
  
“Get up!”   
  
Anya grunts and pulls at her jersey for a beat before taking off. Lexa takes a few painful breaths but pushes up despite it. _Get up!_ She takes in sharp breaths as she forces herself up to jog back. Echo has tossed it back to Allie and then to Zoe regaining some composure. Anya makes it back with Lexa not too far behind and runs around Zoe for her to toss it to her on the left side, she catches the ball and lowers her shoulder through a gap, too quick to be stopped, and sprints full on passed it. She makes it through grabby hands and runs for the try. Cen-Den quickly recovers with two after Anya in the break away. But Anya is really fast, beating one leaving the other to barely get her arms around her. They are so close to the try zone. Lexa notices the girl catching up so she kicks into her reserves. Anya falls with the girl on top of her and as soon as Anya is taken down, Lexa lowers her shoulder and with more force than necessary she barrels into the player on top of Anya before she could unwrap. Luckily, the ref doesn’t notice her roughness. The player screams out in pain but it’s not long after other players arrive to grab at the ball coming loose! Echo pushes Lexa on to Anya for security to retrieve the ball. Anya extends it back in between Lexa’s legs. They both scramble up from the ground as their team tosses the ball back to the right side.   
  
“Nice run An, lets go!” She bellows, gripping Anya’s forearm pulling her forward before running toward the center. Lexa see’s Ontari get taken down, Cen-Den has greatly improved since last year she notes and it’s pissing her off.   
  
“Come on!!” She encourages.  
Zoe manages to scoop the ball and toss it back to Fox, and then back to Allie.   
  
“Allie!” Lexa yells to her as Allie gets grabbed and whipped around. She manages to use the momentum to whip the ball into Lexa’s hands. Lexa tucks it in her right arm and takes off. She has two black jerseys in between her and the try zone; she sticks her arm out at the oncoming player to push her off. Her hands grab and pull at Lexa’s jersey and skin but she digs in the ground especially hard with her right foot and pushes roughly with her left arm into the girl’s sternum. It’s hard and soft at the same time but she digs her fingers in keeping her arm locked and stiff. The girl falls behind giving Lexa the chance to pound her legs ahead, but had slowed down enough to be caught up to and is bashed into by the second girl. Lexa isn’t taken down right away, determined and pissed off; she pushes through only a yard away from making it in. The girl wears the number seven and is trying with all her might to yank and pull at Lexa toward the ground. But Lexa is stronger! She recognizes the girl and it’s her third time playing against her. She is their rising star and is a very good player. But Lexa is better; she manages to pump her legs into overdrive breaking free from her wrap and in for the try! She immediately falls to the ground dropping the ball rolling onto her back. Her chest rises and falls in rapid succession, she did it. That was a long possession and she has already made a list of things her team needs to work on that could have made that a whole lot easier. The score is now 10-17 North-Den U after Anya makes the conversion. There is a minute left in the scrimmage but Titus calls it.  
  
“All right ladies! Bring it in!”   
  
Lexa peels herself from the ground toward Anya in the middle of the pitch. Anya extends her forearm out for Lexa to grab like she has done so many times before. As soon as Lexa grabs onto it their other hands come across and grip palm-to-palm creating an X with their arms. They pull each other close to breathe for a moment in their space resting their foreheads together almost as if in prayer. One looking on could rightly assume they are praying but they are merely collecting themselves. After every fight or separation during their time in California, they would come back to each other in one piece and do this, thankful for their safety and for always being something to come back to.   
  
“Good game” Anya says after their moment of silence they always give each other.

“Could’ve been better” Lexa smirks before letting go of her grip to jog toward their impatient coach.   
  
“How’s the shoulder?” Anya asks jogging beside her.  
  
“Hurts.”   
  
Lexa replies curtly, lifting her shirt up to wipe sweat off her brow revealing her clenching toned abdominals. She doesn’t feel like talking about anything right now. The game helped exhaust most of her frustration but she’s tired of being the one to fix things. Clarke was in the wrong too and it’s not her fault that Harper kissed her and it’s not her fault that her sister somehow dated her mom. It’s all so ridiculous if she thinks about it but in her life she has learned that most things are, at least in her world. Sometimes she wishes for a life of bunny slippers, hot chocolate, fluffy blankets and Clarke. She wishes that her past was full of nothing but big Christmas events and regretful new years hangovers. But it wasn’t, her world is full of tragedy and ridiculous events that seem to plague her existence. Perhaps some people are meant to experience things so succinctly strenuous. Perhaps she will never get to wear bunny slippers… and honestly, she has accepted this notion a long time ago. Her mind circles back to Clarke, the only thing that’s filled her dreams up with more possibility than she’s ever allowed. They should be communicating not ignoring each other. Before she could get too far into her circling thoughts, Titus speaks.   
  
“Not a bad first match but I expect so much better from you girls! The final score was 17 to 10 but I think it could have been more of a lead. Think about every play and imagine what you could have done differently. Think about where a split decision could have brought you closer to precision and accuracy. I’ve recorded this game for review on Thursday so start thinking of your own analysis before then. Echo! Great hustle out there, plays that connected would not have happened if it weren’t for you close behind every tackle. Allie! You’re not present enough in play. I can’t tell where you are vital to this team…” He crosses his arms and paces around inside the circle of players. The players all shift on their feet at his critique, afraid of being called out like the others.  
  
“I see potential to be better. There is always room to improve and I can’t see everything. So, I want you to hear it from your captain—

Titus steps back into the circle and signaling Lexa to step in,   
  
"Lexa!”  
  
She’s used to this. All eyes are on her to encourage and criticize the team in its efforts. She isn’t afraid to be blunt and she doesn’t shy away from the reality of being the leader for those who want nothing more than to follow her into battle. She struts around with her hands behind her back. Her hair still loose from the game allows fly-aways to escape, sticking to her sweat dampened jaw. She clenches it hard as she walks around in the center of the circle. Looking at her teammates in the eye, she replays certain instances of the game as she scans across each face. Her jersey fits her frame with inches to spare. She likes it well fitted. It hugs her muscles just right to where they jut and pull effortlessly at the material.  
  
“I see distractions are getting in the way of our plays on the pitch…” She starts lowly turning on a heel, her ponytail whipping around at every tern.  
  
She sees it in others but mostly she’s addressing herself. Lexa is never too good to be absolved of lecture or scrutiny. And today the all need to be reminded of why they are here and what they’ve worked for these past two years. They are going to win the championship this year.  
  
“This pitch is the place where we all can come together and work towards a common goal. It doesn’t matter where we are in our lives, becausewe  _all_ know how different we are, this pitch is the one place where we are on the same level, where we can come and throw our anger back into the world! This sport is tough and dirty but it’s the mess we seek when every aspect of our lives outside of this world demands us to be perfect and neat! I crave the chaos of this game; I crave the impact it has on my body! This is where we let loose and say ‘Fuck the conventions, Fuck the pressure, and Fuck! to the other team who dares to stand in the way of our glory!”   
  
“Sha!” The whole team erupts.  
  
“Do you want to be here?!” Lexa shouts loud, her neck muscles strain against her taut neck.  
  
“Sha!”   
  
“I know we can play better than we played today but that doesn’t go without saying that you played well today! We are  _all_ here to bring these colors—“  
  
Lexa pulls at her jersey showing the white and red, her arm flexes with determination.  
  
“—to the pitch and prove our worth in wearing them! When we step out there—  
  
She points outward toward the field.  
  
“—I want you to push every doubt out of your mind. I want you to bleed confidence onto the shoes of our enemy causing them to step back in hesitation! We  _will_ succeed if we push ourselves passed the limits of our minds. Because before we can fight anyone else we have to fight and win against ourselves! There isn’t individual greatness in rugby, we are great because we work together, we trust each other, and most importantly we depend on each other to be there when we’re down. Today…” She takes a breath to adjust her tonality.   
  
“Today we weren’t our best selves. It felt disjointed. We will review this game on Thursday as coach said but tomorrow in practice I will be pushing each of you farther than you think you can go. Conditioning and tactical skill is our focus tomorrow, so come mentally prepared to push yourselves.”   
  
Groans erupt amongst the girls as other’s shift closer to their friends to complain in their ear.   
  
“Em Pleni!” Lexa boasts.  
  
“If you believe you played your best today, left it all on the field, then you can excuse yourself from practice all together tomorrow! For those who dare to show up to prove that you are worthy of these colors then come with the attitude to progress! Now bring it in!” Lexa yells for her team to join her fist in the middle. They all huddle together smelling of dirt, sweat and passion for the game.  She lowers her voice into a comforting cadence, “These moments we give to each other all come together out on the pitch where it counts and it all comes down to the question, do you want to be a champion?” Lexa puffs up her chest and yells, her veins protruding from her neck.  
  
“NORTH!”   
  
“DEN!” the team yells jumping up and down with buzz and motivation.

“GROUNDERS!”  They all shout in unison before they break out in their own “fuck yeahs!”   
  
The Grounders drink water and collect their gear before heading back to the locker room to shower.  
  
\---  
  
In the locker room, the girls are in full yak from the scrimmage. Some talk shit about the girls on the other team, others talk strategy about their own runs and plays, but Lexa stays silent in her own corner. Most of the time the girls avoid including Lexa in conversation. She thinks it’s because she’s considered an authority figure, which creates a barrier between them. In truth, she doesn’t mind at all. She enjoys watching them bond from a distance, not really having much to add to the conversations anyway.  
She rids herself of her sweaty jersey and undergarments, grabs her towel from her locker and makes her way toward the showers. Gliding down the aisles she notices each girl in different stages of leaving to shower at home or slowly readying to shower here. She likes the feeling of being part of a team. It’s energizing and assuring to her that she can depend on any of these girls if she needs to. Not particularly on things in her personal life but out there on the pitch or anything school related, these girls will have her back. It’s the respect that people yearn for in the every day world that one gets by being part of a team. Broken from her thoughts, one of her teammates walks up to her.  
  
“Hey Lexa!”  
  
She stares on in confusion as to what she could want, but it quickly dawns on her that she’s new to the team and doesn’t quite know how it works. So Lexa offers her a nod and saunters forward leaving the girl behind. However, the younger girl doesn’t get the hint and catches up.  
  
“So, good game out there. I’m so glad I made the team this year. Last year was tough and I made it to the second round before being cut. I worked really hard all summer…” The hope in the girls voice is refreshing. She slows her pace to look at the girl beside her.  
  
“Tris, right?”  
  
The girl nods excitedly. “Well keep working hard and maybe you’ll start someday. I’ve seen you in practice and you have potential. Find what drives you on the field and use that to harness your fear on the pitch.”  
  
It’s the most Lexa has ever said after a practice, let alone a game, but she feels like she owes the girl a bone. And if she can motivate her to be a better player then she’d say she’s doing her job.  
  
She leaves Tris to her thoughts by entering into a shower stall and drawing the curtain. Her muscles are dying to be soaked in hot steaming water and Lexa can’t wait to wash the sweat off her body.  
  
Tris stands idle as she hears the shower head turn on in Lexa’s stall. She has looked up to Lexa for years. It’s Lexa’s last year on the team, considering you can only play four years of your college career, and she wants to play at least one game with her before she goes. Tris is sure she’ll be first round draft-pick and wants to say she played with the great Lexa Woods.  
  
She looks over to her captain’s shower in reverie, glad to even be considered on the same team as her. Not intending to see through the crack of the curtain, she catches a glimpse of the intimidating girl’s back. It’s adorned with a huge tattoo covering up numerous scars. With a gasp, she whips her head around so fast it guides her feet to follow. The tattoo was intricate and confusing, which adds more to the ever-mysterious commander. It was almost like a tree but as if planets were orbiting its long stature. Tris walks back to her locker with a new admiration and determination to make her proud.  
  
//

 

Lexa’s shower was too short and the day wasn’t going according to her plan. When she woke up her mood wasn’t doing her any favors; without the potential of Clarke in her day it seemed as though the sun wasn’t shining either. Although composed on the outside, she is raging on the inside. Clarke has always been emotional and evasive. The chase has lost its allure but perhaps that’s what’s kept her in the running for so long. The shower helped but as she stands at her locker now, the daunting day ahead fills her with sadness. It’s not that she can’t live without Clarke; it’s just that she made up her mind a few weeks ago that she doesn’t want to.

 

“Hey, everything okay kid?” Anya walks up next to her in a towel, drying her hair with another.

 

Lexa rubs her own hair with a towel as she turns toward her sister. “Swell” she retorts.

  
They get ready in silence for a moment longer before Anya tries a different approach, “Still haven’t heard from Clarke huh?”   
  
The blunt approach works causing Lexa to abruptly shut her locker and face her.   
  
“No” She answers while putting her hair up in a bun near the top of her head. It’s still damp but she really doesn’t want to have to deal with it anywhere near her neck today. When she’s irritated Lexa doesn’t like for things to touch her neck or wrists. It’s a weird aversion she’s always had; she never knows where these preferences come from. Her past is littered with possible derivatives.

Not eager to stay for an interrogation, Lexa grabs her backpack and heads out of the locker room toward her noon class. But Anya refuses to let her leave grabbing her wrist to stop her.  
  
“An!” Lexa whips around so fast to yank her wrist free; it twists in Anya’s grip causing it to burn. Her heart pounds into her ears. She doesn’t want this, this focus on her emotions and of situation. It is what it is and she can’t help it, so what is talking going to do? She doesn’t like this feeling that contradicts her calm that she loves to hold on to. She hates the rollercoaster of emotions she feels inside and it only makes her angry to validate any of them.  
  
“Don’t!”  
  
“Fine!” Anya throws her hands up, “Just don’t bottle this up and expect things to solve themselves!” Anya says sternly. She knows Lexa’s discomfort with contact when she is frustrated but she is also familiar with her habit at pushing everything down until she acts out.   
  
Lexa takes a deep breath before she turns around to continue her path out into campus. She knows she can’t just keep her feelings bottled up but what is she supposed to do when Clarke is the one who needs this space. She can’t really work on the problem by herself; if she could she would have confronted it right in the face by now. But in order to respect Clarke’s wishes, she has to give her the time she asked for.   
  
Walking down the path to her class’ building, she gets her phone out in hopes of at least one message from Clarke. What she finds is surprising.   
  
\---

 

 

> **11:28am - Raven  
>    
>  _Raven_** _: Hey Lexa! What’re you doing on Thursday?  
>    
>  _

Lexa reads a new message from Raven. It isn’t completely abnormal to receive a text because they have gotten closer but this feels out of the blue. She checks the time and notices she sent it twenty minutes ago so she decides to reply right away.  
  
\---

 

 

>   ** _Lexa_ ** _: I have class until 5:30 on Thursdays. Why?_

_  
_ Just before she can return her phone back into her jeans she feels it vibrate.

 

 

>   
>    
>  **_Raven_** _: Was wondering if you_ _wanted to help me work on my bike?  
>    
>  **Raven** : It’s cool if not, I just remembered you said you wanted to.   
>    
>  **Lexa** : Is it okay if I bring a bike to work on? I have one that needs a bit of work.   
>    
>  **Raven** : Yeah! If we both finish, I can show you this stretch of road that is amazing to ride._
> 
> **_Raven_ ** _: So, Thursday at 7pm meet at my place._
> 
> **_Lexa:_ ** _Sounds good.  
>    
>  _

Putting her phone away a flicker of a smile pulls at the corner of her mouth. She hasn’t ridden a motorcycle in a while and she can’t wait to work on hers that’s been sitting in the second parking spot of her complex. It’s nothing special but she can sure make it so. Thinking about the bike parts she needs, she reaches for the door to Oak Hall wincing in pain before she can get it all the way open.  _Ahh._    
She forgot about her shoulder until now.  Rubbing it with her left hand, she scolds herself. She really should have stopped by the trainer before leaving the complex but she was too distracted.

“Hurt your shoulder in practice today?”   
  
Ontari steps around her to open the door. She’s double majoring in Anthropology and Psychology so she’s always studying or involved in extracurricular activities. One could say that Ontari is a star student.   
  
“Um, Nah it’s just sore from a hard hit.” Lexa will never admit to a weakness, even if it’s to someone on her own team.   
  
They both step into the foray, Lexa’s eyes avoid Ontari’s as she peers over her shoulder. They’ve both been on the team for years and are considered the veterans, along with Anya and Echo. But Lexa was never one to mingle with her teammates, Anya either. It just wasn’t a priority and frankly they weren’t used to it, being involved in friendships. Trust was hard to give for the sisters, even though a portion of trust is necessary in rugby, it was an easy switch to turn off once the final whistle blew.

“You played well today…” Lexa tries. She figures she should try harder in other aspects of her life. It’s only been a few days but within those days she has realized how much she has invested in Clarke and her groups of friends. She would like to create something of her own that isn’t anchored solely within someone else. Despite her willingness to give Clarke that power over her, she doesn’t want to feel forlorn. Lexa wants to make an effort to find more of her pieces in other people, not putting all her eggs in one basket, so to speak.

“Thanks Lexa, I—I know that I was a bit distracted but I will do better in tomorrows practice… You’re always so focused.” Ontari shifts her weight on her feet while her right hand finds comfort rubbing the back of her left.

Lexa blinks at this information and immediately feels guilty. She was definitely not as focused as usual in practice and she was the one that let her emotions get the best of her during play. So many of the girls looked up to her but the fact that her words rang true to Ontari when they were meant to chastise her own faults took her by surprise.

“Oh, don’t worry Tar, you played well and I wasn’t directing that speech at you. It was a reminder to all of us to consciously push out the unnecessary pressures and use the right ones to motivate us on the pitch—” The commander pauses almost giving a bit of personal information to comfort her but then thinks better of it.  
  
Ontari perks up at the use of her nickname, which the commander never used before. They call her Tar on the rugby team partly because it’s in the middle of her name but it was mostly because of her ability to withstand a wrap and tackle, like her heels were dipped in tar. Feeling a little more confident Ontari continues.  
  
“You know, the archives that coach keeps of past games and such? I was thinking about going and studying up a bit on things I can improve on. Would—“ She gazes up to see if her inquiry is being accepted well, seeing no disinterest or disgust she goes on.  
  
“Would you want to come hang out and do the same? Maybe give me pointers?”  
  
Lexa adjusts her backpack on her back thinking about her request. It’s the closest to hanging out she has ever been with the girl and figures it’s best if she starts opening up to her team.   
  
“Yeah, that’s a good idea. Text me when you’re wanting to do that.” She nods.  
  
Ontari nods back with a smile but her smile falls when she realizes she doesn’t have Lexa’s number. “Um, I have your Grounder chat ID but I don’t have your number…”   
  
They have a group chat attached to their school user ID’s that allow the players to interact and talk about upcoming games and practices so it was never really necessary to exchange numbers. So Lexa takes out her phone,   
  
“What’s your number? I’ll text you so you have mine.”   
  
Ontari beams and proceeds to list out her number to her captain. As soon as Lexa saves her number under Tar she sends her a text.   
  
“Okay, sent. Just let me know and we can get together.” Lexa says while looking at her phone.  
  
The other brunette idles for a bit before realizing the time; she is usually early to class and likes to go over the day’s lesson before it begins.

“Well take it easy commander, I’ll see you in class.” She hurries down the hall toward their mutual class.   
  
Lexa takes her time in the hallway contemplating how she feels about opening up to more people. It was easier to live a semi solitary life, letting limited people in kept things neat and safe. But lately, letting people in has undoubtedly increased her quality of life. Even though her current situation with Clarke is less than ideal, it still feels better than being completely alone. She has plans with Raven and now Ontari, and she feels a little bit warm knowing she has something to look forward to. Before she heads into class she stops at the nearest vending machine to grab a Vitamin Water. This particular machine always has her favorite flavor with açai berries and when she takes the first sip of cold deliciousness she can’t help the hum of contentment that resonates from her throat. 

//

  
\---

 

 

> **  
> 10:02am- RavenClaw**
> 
> **_Raven_ ** _: Are you up yet?_
> 
> **_Raven_ ** _: How was your talk with O?_
> 
> **  
> 11:39am  
>    
>  _Raven_** _: Griff!_
> 
> **  
> 12:00pm  
>    
>  _Raven_** _: Did you talk to her last night? I’ve texted her but she hasn’t responded. All good?_

\---

 _~~Hey, we need to talk.  
Sorry about yesterday, I didn’t have my phone on me.  
I’m sorry, I already told Octavia last night. I didn’t see your message~~!  
  
_ \---

Clarke had been out of her art class for about an hour and has found her favorite spot in between Hickory and Maple Hall under the big oak tree. There is less traffic here because of the split pathway that skirts around the field of trees. Her favorite tree is the eldest in the middle. It has the perfect patch of grass under its shadiest branch. This is where she goes to be a little obscure when she doesn’t want to be found.   
Her attempt at texting Raven wasn’t going so well as she tilts her head back against the tree. She  _knew_  she needed to and promised herself she would by the end of the day but she can’t find the right words. Raven is a very passionate person. She has come to find out over the years they’ve been friends that she follows her heart over her head and it’s become an admirable quality. She is the type of friend who will have her back even though she knows that she’s in the wrong, the kind of person who she would always want on her side. Clarke’s friendship with the mechanic has always been good, whether she can credit this particular underlying secret (not so secret now) as their bonding agent or not; they’ve never had a fight before. So stepping into this knowing that she screwed up unnerves her, which creates this huge hesitation. Raven has been texting her all morning and every text she gets compounds her guilt.   
  
Clarke exhales a huge breath and lifts her eyes up toward the canopies. She watches the leaves sway from the wind in their mesmerizing dance.

 

 

 

> **12:40pm Group Chat- RavenClaw, Oface, Griffindork**
> 
> _**RavenClaw:** Bitches! Don’t make me hunt you down today. I am very skilled at setting traps for small prey!_

_  
_ \---  
  
Mustering up the courage she pushes against the tree with her back scraping her shoulder blade against the bark a little and huddles over her phone determined to reply.

 

 

> **12:42pm- RavenClaw  
>    
>  _Griffindork:_** Hey so, I talked to her a bit last night. She said she would be really busy today and left before me this morning. I would like to talk to you tonight if you’re free? 

  
\---  
  
Before she can second-guess herself she hits send. Her head hits back against the tree with a sigh. Tonight is going to be harder than last night for her and she can’t seem to organize a coherent thought. She would at least like to create an outline for what she would say to Raven, steering away from excuses while diving into the thick of it. Perhaps, it wasn’t just her secret to tell but considering the circumstances she doesn’t think it was too wrong of her. Octavia is her oldest friend, the fact that they basically grew up together effects everything. Now that Clarke thinks about it, if they had told her together Octavia would have been more devastated. Seeing them together in a united front, telling her they slept together years ago would have been too aggressive. Clarke reasons with this logic, which eases her guilt marginally. There is no right or wrong way to confront something like this, so she just has to go with it now.

 

 

 

> **12:46pm**
> 
> **  
> _Raven:_**   _Well she hasn’t responded to any of my messages and she usually does. Everything ok? Like, did she say anything to you?_
> 
> **_Raven:_ ** _Yeah we can talk tonight, at my place?_
> 
> **_Griffindork:_ ** _I’ll talk to you tonight._
> 
> **_Raven:_ ** _Ok…_
> 
> **_Raven:_ ** _You know, I’d like a heads up if something happened because honestly I feel like something did and you both are avoiding me._
> 
> **_Griffindork_ ** **:** _I don’t want to talk about it over text messages Raven. It’ll be fine, I will just come over tonight after class. Okay?_

Fuck. Raven knows something isn’t right.  _It’ll be fine_ , Clarke thinks while trying to keep her breathing regular.

  
//  
  
Around 1:15 she gets up from her spot after much contemplation. Her mind jumps to the end of this week when everything should be all said and done. She wishes she could just text Lexa and forget everything that’s happened because it doesn’t matter anymore. She will get over it and they can bop about happily ever after. But as quick as that desire presents, reality of it all sets in even quicker. She has to do this.  
_Ugh.._  
She huffs a breath toward the sky absorbing the inevitable. With her phone in hand Clarke makes her way to the walking path toward her pen and ink illustration class. It was a cool day, so her choice in hoodie was validated as soon as a gust of wind picks up around her. And just as the leaves begin to settle, her eyes flick to a familiar brown-headed girl walking to Hickory Hall. She’s wearing her red rugby sweats with a black hoodie adorning the North-Den U logo; she looks so cute. Without realizing she’s stopped walking all together. Lexa is walking alone with her head tilted down to her feet. At the sight of her backpack a smile spreads evenly across Clarke’s face. No matter how many times she’s told Lexa that it was bad for her back, she refuses to adjust it. It’s endearing, her determination. Lexa is a very strong willed person who stays calm despite the circumstance. Often Clarke feels that she is the one who is freaking out while Lexa is all calm and collected. At times it can be frustrating but most of the time she needs that. It feels solid to her and the fact that she can depend on her stability is comforting. There is a pang in her chest that burns at the thought of her. She wants that comfort and her by her side again. It’s a conflicting feeling because she is doing this to herself. Lexa could be next to her right now, guiding her through all the stress of talking to her friends.  
  
She watches her from a distance, noticing how she walks and the way she’s staring at her own shuffling feet. It pulls at her heart that she could be causing her any pain. Clarke’s feet begin to move again keeping the brunette in full view. Even though it’s only been a day, she feels so far away from her. She finds herself wondering closer to Hickory Hall, opposite of her own building, to watch Lexa climb the stairs. What she didn’t expect is for the girl to look back behind her as soon as she grabs a hold of the door. They make eye contact and it’s like time slows to a whirring halt. It might be because her hearts stops that she can’t feel time. Her breath catches in her throat but her eyes never waver. Lexa pauses at the door looking back into blue-steeled eyes. Clarke hopes she isn’t upset with her and she soon gets her answer when Lexa waves a small hello accompanied by just as small of a smile. She returns the smile in kind, both stuck in the small moment, feeling it last longer than. Clarke stays standing there for a minute after Lexa turned to step inside. It was a good sign. If anything, the simmering feeling in her chest told her so.  
  
  
//

 

She arrives at Raven’s house around eight in the evening. Not sure how long this conversation would last; she dropped by the Houston Hut to shower and change for the night. She hoped that hot running water would ease her anxiety but to her discontent, it was without avail. Her toes clench inside her worn Converse and her palms can’t regulate their own temperature, sending them far into slick city.  Raven sits two cushions away waiting patiently for her explanation. Octavia and Clarke have ignored her all day and she demands an explanation—At least to ease the nagging feeling in her stomach.

Clarke takes a sip of the beer Raven provided to soothe her dry throat, “So um, I talked to Octavia last night about a lot of things.”  
  
She takes another sip before setting it down, “First off though, I just want to say that I want you guys to tell me things even if it will hurt me. You know the saying ‘the truth can set you free’? Well I think it really can. If I had known Harper had kissed Lexa, then maybe I wouldn’t have felt the way I did. I mean, I… I don’t think that I reacted fairly considering that something similar happened to me—  
  
“It was nowhere near similar Clarke!” Raven interjects, “Lexa voluntarily did a body shot off of Harper, I mean I love the girl to death but when you put yourself in a position like that, what else do you expect? I mean not saying she asked for it, Harper crossed a line. But doing a body shot off somebody is sending mixed signals if you ask me.” Raven’s face shifts, “Bellamy forced himself on you in your room and in no way did you lead him to believe that it was okay, did you?!”   
  
Clarke looks down to her damp hands in her lap and shakes her head, “ _no…”_  
  
“So it’s not nearly the same. I still can’t believe that shit Clarke… I’m sorry I wasn’t there…”  
  
“Nooo, Ray it’s okay. I—it’s fine. Nothing happened…and Lexa was there so even if—

Even if it did then she was there…” Clarke repeats. She tries hard not to think about what could have happened. Talking about that night doesn’t get easier and the more she thinks about it, subsequently the more stupid she feels. She can’t help it. It’s not that she blames herself or is finding ways to justify his actions; it’s just utterly ridiculous that it got to that point. Despite her relationship with Finn, Clarke finds herself more attracted to women and in no way did she offer Bellamy more than a confused kiss after a devastating tragedy.   
  
“You know when they say to look out for the ones with aggressive behavior, it’ll be apparent in his actions of what kind of man he is? Well that’s not always true. The ones that will hurt you are usually the one’s closest to you. I don’t think we can predict these things, I mean yeah most of the time we can but moments like this one, you couldn’t have known he was capable of taking something that wasn’t his. It’s the passive aggressive ones that we really should be aware of. The one’s that silently hope and wait for things to happen for them, ignoring all the signs that say they won’t. And eventually they just end up taking it because in their heads they deserve it or some shit. Like they built trust in this fantasy…” Raven trails off realizing she was rambling on about a sensitive subject.  
  
“Clarke?”   
  
The blonde jerks her head up at the sudden interruption of her thoughts, “hmm?”   
  
“Is everything okay?”

The look Raven gives her is of pure concern and it breaks her resolve. Her eyes begin to water involuntarily. She drops her head down to avoid those round brown eyes.   
  
“Yeah, I’m… just overwhelmed,” she exhales honestly. She heard what Raven was saying but she couldn’t help but zone out. She would rather get this out than focus on what happened to her with Bellamy. Capitalizing on her courage she decides to just say something.  
  
“And…I need to tell you something” She clears her throat trying to find the right words. Her heart pounds rampantly against her rib cage, ardent in it’s warning. Daring one last look at the mercy in her eyes, she mutters her confession “Octavia knows…” it’s said with such a low whisper she gets a crawling fear that she might have to repeat herself. She hopes Raven can get what she means by just those two words.  
  
Silence.   
  
The kind of silence that sounds so loud it reverbs into her eardrums. Clarke doesn’t want to look up but she does eventually, only to find Raven staring at her. No, she is more like staring through her, not even caring to blink the shock out of her eyes.

She continues to speak, “Uh, I got your text messages after I talked to her. I kind of left my phone at home all day because I needed space and didn’t check it until I went to sleep.” Clarke takes a deep breath; Raven still sits there expressionless.

So she tries to continue, “So I’ve felt guilty all day for telling her without you but then I started to think that it might’ve been the best… Because if we told her toge—

“How did she react?”   
  
Raven’s voice was small but it cut through so sharply, melting the blonde’s conviction. Her shoulders straightened up at her friend’s sudden question and unwavering stare.   
  
“Um, she was really upset.” She divulges while twisting her fingers together, “She said that she asked you about it back then and you said that nothing really happened. I told her that we didn’t know who we were at the time and that if I had known, it would have been different.”

At this Raven focuses her gaze into Clarke’s dark blue piths, “so you regret it then?” A little more bite to her voice this time.  
  
“What? No! I don’t regret it Raven…”   
  
“Then what? You decided that it was your duty to tell my girlfriend that we slept together the first night we met?” The cadence in her voice is cold, yet she flinched at the world girlfriend, surely having said it for dramatic effect.  
  
This is not how she expected her to react, well she had no idea how she would react but the anger she feels coming from the girl is surprising, probably because she has never been on this side of Raven’s wrath.   
  
“No…I was telling her that I needed you both to trust me that I can handle anything you have to tell me and to not keep secrets so I just thought that—

“You thought that you’d go ahead and tell her something that could potentially ruin our relationship, let alone our dynamic as a whole?! Clarke! Don’t you think that it was something that I should tell her if you didn’t think that we should do it together?!” By now Raven’s face has turned red and her eyes have become blood shot.  
  
Clarke scoots further into the couch as if to lessen the harsh words coming out of her friend. She tries to utter a retort but her throat closes up, “I—“  
  
“Since we aren’t keeping secrets anymore, I guess I can tell you that I kissed Finn but it was before I knew you two were dating. I’m sure you can handle it though.”   
  
Raven gets up from the couch taking her beer and storms off into her downstairs garage.

What the fuck just happened. Clarke sits completely still. Minutes go by without movement, if feels as though she hasn’t taken a breath either. Did she say what she thought she said?  
  
Clarke had to repeat the sequence of events over and over in her head before she could fully grasp the words.  _Raven and Finn? What…_  

The news washes through her with confusing waves of hurt and understanding.   
  
“ _Okay_ …” She whispers in between labored breaths. This was becoming a different beast entirely; everyone in her life seems to be tangled up with each other. Disgustingly so, but on the other hand she can believe it. Every person she holds dear has similar characteristics that make him or her compatible. It’s inevitable to happen, overlapping of lovers and crushes. But this was pulled from so deep in the past, Clarke isn’t sure it is affecting her as it should. She should be angry; she should be hurting or at least sad that neither of them had told her all these years. It’s fine. It’s in the past and if she wants Raven to forgive her for telling Octavia their secret, so she can forgive Raven for whatever the hell this is.   
  
Clarke pushes herself off the couch toward the door that leads her to the hurting girl. Before she turns the knob, she takes another breath already feeling her chest constrict threatening to deliver uneven palpitations. She opens the door silently as to not startle her away. As soon as she makes it to the bottom of the stairs, she looks over to the tinkering mechanic hands deep in one of her projects.   
  
“Ray…” She tries.   
  
The brunette bunkers down managing to make more noise that seems rather pointless but what does she know, she knows nothing about wrenches and bolts. Since words weren’t doing her any justice today, she decides to take action. Clarke walks over to Raven, who is trying really hard to work on the smallest thing in order to be completely out of vision. Extending her hand, Clarke reaches out and rests her hand over Raven’s to stop her actions, which caused her to immediately drop her socket wrench.    
  
Raven looks up through teary eyes, her lips move to say something but only air escapes. She’s hurt and she’s afraid.   
  
“Raven… It’s okay.”   
  
It didn’t matter to Clarke in this moment because she realized the only thing that truly mattered now was getting her friends back.   
  
The mechanic’s chin twitched inward as if taken aback of the ease in which Clarke accepted what she had told her.   
  
“If it’s true, it’s okay.” Clarke shifts to rub at Raven’s back to facilitate her into acquiescence.   
  
Clarke’s proximity and gentle nature causes Raven to shake her head back and forth, tears pooling on the edges of lashes.  
  
“It’s not…” she mutters through a wet mouth.   
  
“Shh….” Clarke coos, “I’m sorry Ray.”   
  
Raven manages a wet laugh, lifting the back of her hand to wipe her tears away.   
  
“Is it true?”   
  
The brunette lowers her head in shame and shakes her head slowly, “ _No.”_    
  
Clarke stills her hand, “Then why would you say that?” She asks with a knitted brow.   
  
Raven shrugs her shoulders while pulling away to stare at the wall, one arm on her hip the other on her hairline.   
  
“I don’t know…cause I’m an asshole?” She slowly turns as she replies. “I shouldn’t have said that, it’s not fair—In the moment, I wanted to hurt you because I was hurt…”  
  
Raven grimaces, “I regretted it as soon as I said it, you have to believe me Clarke.”  
  
“It’s fine.” Clarke really didn’t really know how to respond; everyone responds differently to hurt. However, it’s getting hard to be the better person and mend all that’s broken. A certain part of Clarke just wants to run away.  
  
“Look, I just wish you‘d talked to me first. I feel betrayed.” She itches her scalp, “I’m sorry I said what I did but I’m mad Clarke. Octavia should have heard it from me and now it’s out of my hands.”   
  
Clarke understands, she really does. But it doesn’t make it easier. Raven is mad, Octavia is avoiding her and she doesn’t want to go running to Lexa with her problems when she asked for space. She turns on her heel with a deep sigh and heads straight for the couch across the room. Sitting down resting her head in her hands she speaks, “I get that Raven, but I also had the right to tell her too. And I don’t regret it. I really don’t but I do feel guilty for telling her without your consent. But I’ve known Octavia for a very long time and I don’t want to lose her just as much as you…”   
  
No longer able to hold back her tears they begin to fall. “I don’t know what I’m doing but everything is falling apart around me and I can’t do anything but not drown in it all. I hope you can see my side and forgive me. We need to work together on this Ray.”   
  
“yeah…” the brunette nods her head. After a few sluggish minutes, Raven makes her way over next to Clarke on the couch.

  
“Isn’t it ironic that this all began on a couch and now here we are…” Her attempt at humor fell flat on Clarke who responds with a forced smirk.  
  
With a sigh, which seems to be the common currency tonight, Raven tries again. “It’ll be ok, Clarke. It’ll take time but we will all be ok again.” She says wrapping an arm around her hunched over back.   
  
Clarke turns her head in her hands to look at the girl who has helped her through so much, the main thing being her identity. Her words give little comfort but it still feels nice to hear her say that it’ll be all right. Little did anyone know, Clarke struggled with the complex idea of who she is, because back then she fought it tooth and nail. Now she uses her tooth and nail for all sorts of devious ventures and she can contribute her confidence to Raven. After that night, they didn’t stop talking. In fact, they started talking a lot more than they let on. At first it was to assuage Octavia into submission on the matter of their scandal. But what started off as awkward ended up being a comfortable companionship. Raven learned that she was Clarke’s first—first girl, first lay, and first experience that Clarke would consider risky. It was overwhelming for the brunette because it put so much pressure on her, even though she already performed, she felt she had to live up to being the first. Clarke, however, insisted it wasn’t a big deal. She had kissed boys and a girl before, so it wasn’t all a first. Since then, Raven was her go to when it came to her feelings for the same sex, to answer questions like, ‘how do I know she likes me back?’ to ‘do all girls taste the same?’ It was strange at first for the brunette, being close to her best friend’s best friend. But soon enough, they all ended up at the same college and became the attributed trifecta. And it was okay; they were happy and forever tied to one another in more ways than one.  
  
Clarke looks to the girl across from her, studying her face, accounting for the way it has changed over the years. It was once so round her cheek bones barely made it out but now, it’s almost all she can see, especially when she smiles. Her brown eyes held softness to them that Clarke could always see, even when she was angry. That’s how she always knew it would be okay, fearful for the day that it disappeared.  
  
 “ _Okay”_  She whispers through her fingers splayed over her mouth.  
  
“I’m sorry” she follows up with a little more strongly, not knowing why she was apologizing because she isn’t sorry for telling Octavia, she guesses she’s apologizing for making Raven her person. Don’t get her wrong, Octavia is her best friend and always will be. But Raven… Raven is her person. The steady stream in which she counts on to always be there to calm her, to understand her wild nature when it gets to be too much, to tell her just like how it is with little to no bullshit. That’s the Raven she loves and the one she never wants to lose.  
  
“You don’t have to be.” Raven scoots closer, opening her arms for a hug, which Clarke readily accepts.  
  
With blonde hair ticking her cheek she says, “I’ll always be here for you.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talk List:
> 
> Octavia - check  
> Raven - check  
> Anya -  
> Abby -  
> Lexa -


	4. Icarus

** Ch. 4 - Icarus  
  
**

The next day came and went with an unfocused lens, blurring the purpose of her day. She lays in her bed after class, fists sore from her venture the night before; the feeling of red taught skin over her raw knuckles feels freeing. She clenches and unclenches her fists repeatedly just feeling how the skin pulls. The pain sits well in her muscles, her free lesson at the Highlands Ranch UFC gym went exceptionally well leading her to sign up for a year’s membership. She has never felt completely in control of herself, one could blame her upbringing but she didn’t. Octavia understood herself more than anyone would or could, half the reason she wanted to major in psychology was to help herself and others like her. Joining a gym was her trying to fix something within herself but honestly she just wanted to hit something. Like, sometimes she has complete control over her emotions and other times she has a tendency to over-react, acting out in ways where later she analyzes as inane and impulsive. She wants to be in control and often times she wonders if that’s what everyone wants—to be in control. Of course that’s nearly impossible on the external world but she wonders if it’s just as impossible to have full control of the internal one. Feelings can be controlled, right? Well this is her effort in that venture, for sense of control, for stability—for clarity.  
  
Her room is dark save for the night-light tucked behind her closet door and the whites of her eyes. She can’t sleep because all she can imagine is her best friend’s hands all over Raven. It makes her shiver in a way most uncomfortable causing her to grip at her sides.  
  
She can’t sleep.  
  
She can’t stand to be awake either!  
  
Octavia turns violently in her bed, burying her face into her pillow to scream. She knows that they didn’t mean to hurt her and couldn’t forecast this but _god damnit! Why did they have to sleep together!  
  
_ Her thoughts run away from her, imagining who did what, if they ever think back to that night, and how they could go years without telling her. They’ve graduated high school and college, shared beds, clothes and secrets, yet this was there the whole time. Octavia feels a little foolish, like she has been the butt of a joke for six years. She knows she has to talk to them eventually. Clarke looked extremely solemn when she arrived home earlier tonight; she was on the couch watching Clueless wrapped up in her comforter. Normally she would have joined her, being that it was one of her favorite movies, but she could only spare a glance toward the blonde before heading to her room. She decides to plan a night for all three of them so they can talk and clear the air; hopefully she will get some answers to her questions that her imagination is running away with.

//

 

It’s cooling down outside as dusk takes over the day’s shift. It’s been three days since she has heard anything from Clarke and her doubts are starting to root. But she pushes them to the back of her mind because she would wait forever for her; she believes this with every fiber of her being (even if she didn’t want to, she’d wait). With a deep sigh she pulls her jean overalls over her boy shorts and black tank top. Lexa is getting ready to head over to Raven’s to work on her motorcycle while her sister raids her fridge.  
  
“You know, I don’t know why you kept that old thing so long. It’s not even that good of a bike.” Anya comments while her bottom half sticks out of the fridge.  
  
Lexa pokes her head out of her room, “It _will_ be a great bike after I’m done with it! And I think it’s a decent bike!”  
  
She hasn’t tried to start it in over a year so it really is a project but she doesn’t mind, she’s looking forward to building something from the ground up and riding it back into the ground. She ties each combat boot slowly and tightly; making sure that there is no chance for one shoelace to come undone. There’s a buzz that resides under her belly. She isn’t sure if it’s excitement or nerves humming but she decides that it’s good to feel both. A small part of her thinks that being near Raven is like being near Clarke, since she is her best friend. Another small part of her feels as though she needs to watch what she says and does because Raven’s confidence is Clarke’s and not hers. Maybe they can be friends but she knows that Raven is ultimately there for Clarke. That’s why she feels the need to build friendships that can be hers and only hers. Not that she doesn’t feel accepted by Raven and Octavia, it’s that they have loyalty and will most likely take her side regardless of situation. And Lexa wants that kind of loyalty; she wants to earn that on her own from those who will do the same for her. She’s glad that Clarke has friends like them.  
  
Anya grabs another beer and with a satisfied hum she pops the tab, “So, is Clarke going to be at Raven’s?” She asks nonchalantly while walking into the living room taking a few big gulps.  
  
There’s a bit of silence before she hears a short negative response.  
  
Anya flops on the couch making herself at home like she usually does. Wherever she’s at she tends to take liberties that her own home grants her. It’s not that she isn’t mindful, she just feels comfortable in her own skin, enough to exude it everywhere.  
  
“Well, I’ve been thinking… Yo, you listening little sis?!” she hollers.  
  
Lexa walks out from the room half way done getting ready, “What?”  
  
“I’ve been thinking—“  
  
“Wow, is it hard?” Lexa jests.  
  
“Shut the fuck up before I get up from this couch!” She spouts as she points her finger.  
  
The younger girl raises her hands in surrender accompanied by a playful smile. “Okay what have you been thinking _Anya_?” She asks with mock interest.  
  
“Well, the other day when we were talking about Clarke… I consoled you instead of telling you what I really thought.” She sits up straight to look at Lexa in the eye.  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“I mean, I think Clarke hasn’t put you first since the day we met in the hospital. Everything that you’ve told me recently has been about what she wants and needs. And the one time you do something that you needed to do, she shuts you out. When has she done something selfless for you? When has she chased after you? It all seems one sided and I honestly can’t think of why you let her pull and push you like that. One minute she wants you and the next minute she isn’t ready. Like, all her friends dote on her and she’s the center of it all. Maybe she likes the attention or something.” Anya ends her tirade by taking a long swig of her pale ale.  
  
“Don’t talk about her like that…She’s been through a lot.” Lexa defends. She thinks back to that day she ran away from everything. There wasn’t a singular reason she left town without telling anyone. It was a myriad of things.  
  
“So have you though”  
  
“Anya, I’ve done plenty wrong and it’s not a matter of what she’s done for me. It’s about understanding what’s at stake. I don’t want to lose her again. I want to give her as much time as I can to come back to me. She waited for me and I turned my back on her. I don’t want to repeat the past; I want to be different.”  
  
“You were taking care of yourself! I hardly say that’s turning your back on her. You needed time to heal from Costia. The only thing you should have done was communicate with her but you can’t blame yourself for protecting your heart.” The older sister says.  
  
Lexa doesn’t like to talk about the past that much but Anya doesn’t mind so it’s only fair to allow it; she was there through it all. Back then, opening her heart when it was so recently betrayed was impossible, despite her own desire to. The pressure to be all right, to move on, and to love again was paralyzing. She needed time to build herself back up before giving anymore away, so she understands Clarke’s need for time.  
  
“Even so, I went about it all wrong. I’m not going anywhere this time An. I don’t want to be alone anymore…”  
  
“And what if she’s the one who leaves this time?”  
  
Lexa doesn’t know how to answer. It’s never been about how much one does for the other. It’s not like she’s the only one giving. She has tried following her head before and that got her nowhere, so now she’s trying to follow her heart and that’s given her opportunity.  
  
This opportunity.  
  
It’s hurting her now more than it’s helping but Clarke promised so she will give her a chance to keep that promise. But maybe Anya is right. She has always been there for her, no matter what. Lexa trusts her more than anyone. Maybe she should take steps back and protect herself at all costs.  
  
“I don’t know Anya,” She mumbles as her defeated feet shuffle toward the bedroom to finish getting ready. Clarke could decide to leave her. She wouldn’t blame her for it because it’s been tough. Lexa tries to think back at the overall scope of their relationship, whether she’s made her happy more often than sad. She attempts to weigh it out in her head.  
  
“It just sounds like you’re doing all the work!” Anya shouts from the couch. She understands what Clarke went through all those years ago but this is now and regardless of what happened the past few days, Lexa deserves more than this. She deserves better.  
  
Lexa storms back into the living room, “If I didn’t betray her trust two years ago, maybe I would agree with you! But I fucked up An!” she yells, bothered by her sister’s words. She just won’t let up. Her guilt has always weighed heavy on her for abandoning Clarke like that, leaving without saying a word and ignoring her texts and calls for weeks. She just couldn’t bring herself to face her.  
  
“I left her because I was stuck in my old ways. I couldn’t handle being vulnerable; I had to protect myself! I couldn’t be who she wanted me to be!” She lowers her expressive arms having exhausted all her spare energy.  
  
“I know…” Anya assents.  
  
“But why can’t I be enough? I want to be enough for her now, so why can’t I try this time?” Her muscles release their hold on her head causing it to drop. It feels like she’s trying to hold onto love in the middle of a war. Every battle waged gives less and less room for feeling such a luxury.  
  
“Hey, hey…you are trying!” She soothes setting her beer down on the coffee table before making her way over to her. With a hand on her shoulder she comforts Lexa, “I envy you for fighting for love. I think it could be the real deal but all I’m saying is don’t let love blind you from who you are. You can’t help whom you love, but Lexa…this whole moping around waiting for someone to hold your hand thing, isn’t you. I don’t like that she has this power over you. What’s the number one rule I’ve taught you? ”  
  
She dips down to catch her sister’s green eyes, “hmm?”  
  
“Protect yourself at all times.” Lexa grumbles.  
  
Anya nods with a smile releasing her hand from Lexa’s shoulder, “Protect your heart kid, because you are all you’ve got in the end. I’m not saying you shouldn’t try, I’m just saying prepare for the worst and hope for the best.”  
  
And with that, Anya leaves her little sis to think. She meanders back to the couch and resumes her show on Netflix with her feet propped up on the coffee table.  
  
“Now leave before I change my mind about you borrowing Charlie.”  
  
Lexa clenches her jaw and proceeds to leave with a whirlwind of thoughts and unspoken words trailing behind her. She thinks about everything as she makes her way downstairs toward the old Chevrolet pickup. The motorcycle is already secure in the back, thanks to Anya’s help. Of course her help didn’t come without a price. For borrowing her truck, she had promised an introduction to Raven, a six-pack of Dale’s Pale Ale, and a down payment on a tattoo appointment. It was a hard bargain but she whittled it down from a whole tattoo payment, a date with Raven and her favorite pair of boots that Anya has had an eye on for years. A petite smile appears on her face at the thought of their haggle, she’s sorry for whoever has to deal with Anya as her future partner. Anya is without a doubt the strongest igneous being she’s ever learned to know.  
  
Right next to the most illustrious flame her heart has ever learned to love. Cue Clarke’s montage in Lexa’s mind. Her smile is what brings the sun out after a long dark night and her eyes— my god; her eyes could lift spirits from their grave. Lexa swears that Clarke’s eyes are windows to a world she wishes this one would be. It’s magical, for lack of a better word but when she sees azure rays aimed at her, her organs work harder and her fingertips become electric. That’s a feeling she wishes she could experience all the time and so her solution is to be around Clarke all the time. She just wishes she could shrink the space between them so she can fix it already.

 

Pulling her consciousness out from her thoughts, she realizes that she’s already on Raven’s street, which scares her a bit because that happens a lot. She isn’t sure if it’s muscle memory or her subconscious but sometimes she gets so deep in her thoughts that she goes on autopilot, ‘waking up’ amidst the drive to realize she’s in a new area. She tries to pay attention and be safe most of the time but she often plans things out in her mind, which can be distracting. Lexa likes to think of different scenarios and plans her actions accordingly; to always have a plan is to always stay alive. Now it’s more of a habit than it is for survival but it’s something that she prides herself in. She puts the truck in park and sits for a bit thinking about who she is and how that differs to who she is with Clarke; she wants to be _that_ Lexa. She wants to be better. Before she texts Raven of her arrival, she starts to think of scenarios in how this hang out will go. After she’s satisfied with her plans of action she takes a deep breath in preparation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

> **6:58pm- Raven  
>    
>  _Lexa:_** _I’m here.  
>  **  
> Raven:** You see that driveway to the right of the garage?_
> 
> **_  
> Lexa:_ ** _Yeah, you want me to drive down it?  
>  **  
> Raven:** It would be easier to wheel your bike down it. There is a bit of a decline and then a left turn. You’ll see me.  
>  **Raven:** Do you need any help?  
>    
>  **Lexa:** No, I got it! See you in a sec.  
>    
>  _

Lexa pulls a 4x4 out of her truck and wedges it against the concrete at an angle for a makeshift ramp. She untethers the tie-downs before carefully rolling her old Honda down. As she makes her way down the driveway, she looks at Raven’s neighborhood. Last time she was here, she was distracted by the stink of Bellamy’s ego. The neighborhood has a lot of open space, stretches of land between each house, which is easily big enough for another abode to fit in. When Lexa rounds the corner, she spots Raven in her garage with a huge barn like door slid open to reveal a room she’s seen before.  
  
“Woah… I didn’t know this could open up. Has it been able to this whole time?!” Lexa asks while eyeing its construction.  
  
Raven laughs at her reaction but her eyes are glued to her bike.  
  
“Well well well, someone is into Café Racers hmm?”  
  
She walks closer to look at Lexa’s bike, “And yeah, I knocked down the wall in my den to make room for my cars and bikes. That garage up there is mainly for storage, but this is where the magic happens!” She extends her arm back around her at her workshop, adorned with every tool imaginable organized on the walls and in tool chests.  
  
“I didn’t notice it before…” Lexa inquires, still confused as to how she didn’t notice a big possible exit/entrance. That’s one of the main things she looks for when she enters a place.  
  
Raven looks behind her, “Oh!” she chuckles, “that’s probably because I had Clarke paint brick on it from the inside so it looks like the rest of the room. I have tools hanging from the door as well, so you probably couldn’t tell.”  
  
Lexa wheels her bike inside the den and parks it in order to take a look at the illusion, still a little stumped as to why she didn’t see it before. But as soon as she slides the door a little towards her, she understands. Clarke’s attention to detail is uncanny. It looks like it should feel like brick but it’s definitely solid steel. Lexa gets lost in the details while Raven pulls her bike in to put on a workstation.  
  
“So you’ve been holding onto a 1980-ish CB650?” Raven twists her face into a judgmental mockery.  
  
Lexa smiles because she knows it’s an awkward looking bike because of its longer forks and lowered shocks but she has put work into it and it’s starting to look exactly how she envisioned.  
  
“Hear me out though… I know it’s a little awkward but I have this idea in my head for it that I think would look really good.”  
  
She helps Raven fit the bike into her workstation before expanding her thoughts, “So here,” Lexa points toward the back end, “I want to fit 13.5 inch shocks to raise the back end and lower the forks by a few centimeters, then the stance will fit better. I figured I could rebuild and rebore the engine…”  
  
Raven nods her head as she listens and butts in her two cents, “Ok yeah, I think we can definitely restore this engine, although it looks kind of tired…Does it have a lot of miles on her?”  
  
Lexa shakes her head, “not really, I think less than ten thousand, the owner wasn’t sure because it was his husbands that had passed away.”  
  
“Anyways, I was wondering if you could help me perk up the power a little more? Maybe with a new filtration system and a carburetor?”  
  
Raven bounces a bit on her heels clapping her hands together. She feels giddy and excited that she has someone to talk shop with. It’s an expansion into a world that’s been kept in her head all these years because one, she liked it that way and two; Clarke and Octavia aren’t really gear heads. They don’t like grease and they would rather go outside on a trail than stay stuck indoors smelling like oil. However, Raven loves the smell and can get lost in metal, moving around a piece for hours adding and subtracting from it.  
  
After staring at Lexa’s bike a bit she offers a suggestion, “What do you think about adding a brat-style tail section, I can totally teach you to construct it…” Raven walks around the bike as she speaks. “ I love the clip-on handlebars you added. I think the ‘wheelbarrow’ bars come standard on these things?”  
  
Lexa nods her head; her arms are crossed with her chin in her hand. Observing the bike with Raven is exciting, to have someone who can push this bike further than she could imagine is filling her with joy. She scratches her chin before speaking, “So I was thinking about changing the exhaust to a 4-into-2 with Emgo mufflers… Would that look okay?”  
  
“Oh shit! Yeah, that would look badass! Okay, so shit. We have work to do!”  
  
Raven leads Lexa over to her array of tools and starts showing her where everything is. It’s a bit overwhelming because the darker girl is talking really fast but Lexa keeps up, temporarily forgetting about all her problems. This is exactly what she needed.  
  
//  
  
After a few hours and several beers later, Lexa and Raven are well into their own projects on their individual bikes. Raven’s workshop has tools that Lexa didn’t know existed so finding a place to start was difficult for her at first but she decided on disassembling her motorcycle completely before anything else. All the previous work she had done on her bike would either be reconstructed or re-engineered.  
  
The jukebox in the back plays loud motivating music while they work.  
  
~  
[Gramatik- The Unfallen Kingdom](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qbq8JIKe1Zg)

  
Deep in her element, Raven tries to fight the worry from entering the forefront of her mind. She was completely content in the first couple of hours but now that her mind is settling in, she begins to think about Octavia. It’s been radio silence since Clarke told her about their past and now being this close to Lexa with this half emerged secret weighs heavy on Raven’s conscience. Since Clarke told Octavia, it’s only fair that she gets to tell Lexa right? This logic crosses her mind more than twice but she never grabs hold of it. She can’t cause more waves in an already choppy ocean. It wouldn’t be fair… but yet it crosses her mind again to woman up and let Lexa know that she and Clarke had sex years ago. She starts psyching herself up with different phrases she could use to get it out casually, _“Hey, Lexa. You know I can probably get 63 hp from 626cc with that rebuild, which is pretty good even by today’s standard and Clarke and I had sex junior year of college but I’m glad that we are all getting so close, Ya know? We are such good fam, want to borrow this killer wrench, the handle is made of space steel.”_  
  
She snorts at herself at the utter failure at her attempt to hide the confession in shoptalk. Raven shakes her head further convinced she shouldn’t say a damn word. But her mind tries to find a scenario in which her words didn’t sound so awful.  
  
“ _So listen, I just want to let you know that I cherish our friendship and I’m so glad that the fact that Clarke and I have had interrelations doesn’t get in the way. Because it wasn’t a big deal, I mean it was great. But it was so far in the past that, shit…”_ She stops herself there because nothing she’s saying in her head is working and no matter how she spins it, it’s like a bomb going off in the middle of an unsuspecting village, it just doesn’t sit well. Despite her reluctance, she engages Lexa in conversation.  
  
“So Lexa, how have you been?” She manages to ask without spilling any beans.  
  
At first Lexa doesn’t register that Raven has asked her a question, but after listening to the echo in her brain she realizes... “Oh, um…” She turns and gives the girl a look that screams, “ _Are we really doing this?”  
  
_ “Yeah, I’m good.” She replies quickly before turning back to her work. Lexa isn’t interested in divulging anything that might get back to Clarke. Even if Raven genuinely wanted to know, this isn’t what she came over here for. She came to get her hands dirty and forget about how she is. Her stomach wrenches along with her hand’s on her bike because she has the urge to ask a million questions regarding Clarke. She knows that Raven has answers but she doesn’t want to push her luck. She’s trying really hard to give the blonde the space she asked for.

  
“Well, I’m just asking because I…” Raven gets stuck on her reasoning but she just opts for the truth, “I’m your friend too and I think you could use someone to talk to about things. I mean… I know what’s going on so you wouldn’t really have to explain everything.”  
  
Lexa nods while trying her best to listen and not be rude about her disinterest in sharing. She isn’t used to people being this close to her to ask these kinds of questions other than Anya. Even then, she shrugs her off if she gets too close for comfort.  
  
Determined, Raven turns down the music and tries again. “ Hear me out Woods, I know you can handle your shit. But I’m letting you know that I wouldn’t tell Clarke whatever it is we discuss because we’re friends now. So, like… with that, I want you to know that I’m here for you. And no matter what happens from here on out, I hope that we can stay friends.” Not sure where all this sentiment came from, she cringes in hopes it’s received well. A part of her credits it to her guilt she feels about what Lexa will surely soon find out but the other part really cares for the girl and she realizes that Lexa doesn’t have that many friends she can talk to.  
  
Lexa lets out a heavy sigh, replaying all the caring words in her head. It’s nice to hear, especially from one of Clarke’s closest friends. Raven is quickly becoming one of her favorite people. But it doesn’t feel like she can truly confide in her; she wouldn’t want Raven to be stuck in the middle.  
  
“Yeah…I appreciate that. But I just want to get my hands dirty and work on this.” She points to what she’s doing and offers a small smile.  
  
Raven deflates but she gets it so she nods her head and turns back around toward her own bike. Green eyes notice the quick change in her demeanor remembering that she promised herself that she would open up more, she scolds herself for closing off so quickly. She needs to work on building friendships not breaking them down.  
  
“You know…” She starts, turning her full attention toward the dark haired mechanic, “ It’s been hard.”  
  
Her ponytail swings around and is followed by eager brown eyes, clearly happy that she decided to take her up on her offer to talk. She feels that if she can get to know her better it won’t be so bad when the truth comes out. Inviting her to continue, Raven nods her head.  
  
Upon seeing Raven’s elation, Lexa quirks a smile and continues, “Well, I’ve been giving her space like she asked for and it’s hard.” Jesus, opening up is harder than she thought. Putting the way she feels into words is difficult for her. She chews on her lip before finding more words to attribute, “For the past year or so I’ve catered to her needs because of what I did. I know that I messed up. But…I can’t help but feel a little jaded.” She lifts her head to find concern etched on Raven’s face so she quickly rectifies,  
  
“No, I mean…I’m not saying that I’m tired of fighting for her. Clarke is everything to me but I can’t help but feel like I can’t do anything right.” Lexa rests her elbows on her knees to lean forward so her eyes can shift into a blank stare below Raven’s gaze.  
  
She feels conflicted yet so sure that Clarke is it for her. It’s a strange feeling for Lexa, to be full of love and dwindling hope. Her mind stretches to a distant future where Clarke isn’t with her, when the days run on with no relevance of time. She can see her life as it could be without her and it’s a hell on earth she’d rather not visit, however if Clarke wished her there she would endure it. With a sigh she fiddles with the wrench in her hands waiting for her newfound friend to say something, anything to save her from herself.

  
Raven observes her for a moment: shoulders are slumped, her brow knitted, her breaths are distressed and she’s nervously playing with the tool in her hand. The truth isn’t in question because she can tell that Lexa is being genuine. The most interesting thing she observes is the cadence of her voice when she speaks of Clarke. Even though she’s speaking in doubt, the inflection is so full of tenderness, so full of…  
  
“You really care about her,” Raven concludes.  
  
Lexa pauses momentarily before nodding her head over and over as if it could never confirm that statement enough times.  
  
“I do,” she eventually says softly. After a beat she looks up into Raven’s eyes and accentuates, “ _so_ much.”  
  
Straightening up, Lexa sets down the wrench she’s been twirling to speak clearly “she’s special. She isn’t like anyone else. I don’t want to lose her…”  
  
“Then why did you kiss Harper?”  
  
Before Raven could stop herself, her blunt loyalty rears its ugly head. She gulps at the sudden outburst but doesn’t take it back because Lexa hurt Clarke and that’s all she can focus on. The inebriated part of her mind is pumping its fist in the air for her loyal bravery trying to find any truth for her best friend’s honor. From where Raven’s standing throughout all this, the space Lexa is enduring now could have been avoided.  
  
Lexa chokes on her breath, not expecting such a direct question with a taste of accusation. She clears her throat to reply but nothing comes to mind so she takes a huge sip of her warm beer to buy her time. What a ridiculous question to ask because she didn’t kiss Harper. She didn’t and she wouldn’t. Of fucking course, the minute she opens up is the minute Raven takes the chance to defend Clarke.  
  
“I didn’t kiss her.” She voices softly but sternly.  
  
“But you _did_ do a body shot off of her…”  
  
The atmosphere in the room suddenly shifts into something else entirely, feeling cornered Lexa sits back in her stool eyeing Raven like she’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Her head begins to shake side to side in disbelief.  
  
This apparently triggers some audacity in the darker haired girl as she nods her head in response, “yes, Lexa. You did. I saw the whole thing. And maybe it was my mistake for not telling Clarke right away but I saw the situation you put yourself in. You might not have wanted it but as soon as Clarke was out of sight you were doing a body shot off of another girl. How does that look?!”  
  
Raven doesn’t yell but her voice is powerful and protective. She understands that Clarke needs her space but she doesn’t understand why these two people that clearly love each other can’t find solid ground. These two idiots cause chaos because of their own insecurities. She sees Lexa dip her head in her hands still shaking it back and forth minutely.  
  
“Why did you do it?” she prods.  
  
“I didn’t! I didn’t kiss her! She kissed me!” Her hands fling out from holding her face to up in the air with indignation. “I—Clarke doesn’t know what she wants and I don’t want to stand in the way if she wants _him_ or anyone else! I’m not used to this!” she clenches her fist and rubs her chest as if it’s in pain. “I didn’t want to do it, I don’t want her…or anyone else…Harper was coming onto me so strong, I kept trying to avoid her but I...”  
There was no excuse for why but even after it happened she went to find Clarke, she wanted to kiss Clarke not Harper. And when she found her, she saw the one thing that she feared. Clarke and Bellamy in her room tightly embraced with their lips against each other. It took but a millisecond to break all hopes of them being together, she believed right then that it was over for them. So the fact that this kiss with Harper is still a matter of discussion is fucking stupid. When she thinks about it now, she can’t even remember how it happened. She credits her actions to a series of events. Maybe it _was_ her jealousy that steered her into retaliation or maybe it was because she was weak, too considerate, and too soft. It clicks in her mind that maybe all these feelings are making her easily manipulated.  
  
The alcohol in her blood screams through her rational, blowing air into her old mantra ‘love is weakness.’ At this tiny instigation Lexa hardens herself. This is exactly why she never kept lovers or friends, they made her doubt herself and influence her into situations she didn’t want to be in.  
  
“You know what Raven, it _was_ my fault and I take full responsibility for it. It was a mistake.” She turns in her stool to face her bike, done with the conversation all together. Done with opening up and done trying to defend herself. This is what Anya is talking about, she feels as though she’s doing all the work, all the apologizing, all the waiting and it’s bullshit.  
  
_‘Protect yourself at all times’_ she thinks to herself.  
  
Brown eyes bore into the back of Lexa’s head. Raven wasn’t sure what to say to the abrupt nature in which she spun her disposition. It went from regret to acceptance to detachment in a matter of seconds. Whatever had happened didn’t seem good and perhaps she might’ve pushed her too hard.  
  
So she inches forward with resolution, “I’m not saying it was your fault, I’m just saying that your actions were wrong. I know you didn’t kiss Harper, as I know that you don’t want her. I’m sorry if I came on a little strong but you two are so perfect for each other and it bothers me that things won’t settle. Misunderstandings and unfortunate events keep getting in the way. She doesn’t want Bellamy and you need to get that idea out of your head. She hurts more than she lets on about what happened. I’m not going to tell you it’ll get easier because I know that it _might_ get harder. I know Clarke, she’s very strong willed but once she gets everything organized in her head she’ll come back ten times stronger. So just wait for her to talk to you…she’s worth it.”  
  
Lexa looks over her shoulder a little bothered by her words, “I _know_ she is…” Her body is half turned, not yet willing to open back up to this conversation or interrogation, it could be either one at this point. Her eyes narrow, not sure how to place Raven now. Is she her confidant or someone she should look out for? Her mind is working a million miles a second, paranoia slithering its way in. Is she implying that she thought Clarke isn’t worth it, like she hasn’t been fighting to gain Clarke’s trust for the past two years, that this last year wasn’t her chasing the sun across Denver with the hope of relative warmth? _Fuck this shit!  
  
_ “Whatever _this_ is,” She points between herself and Raven, commenting on their friendship, acquaintanceship, whatever they are trying to be; “I don’t have to defend myself to you! I’ve given Clarke more than I have given anyone and ever since being a part of this— _your_ delinquent crew, it’s been nothing but misunderstandings and unfortunate events, so don’t lecture _me_ about how shit happens. I am more than capable of putting my feelings aside for Clarke.”  
  
All the sudden she’s standing and pacing right in front of Raven, one unruly vein threatening its position on her forehead. “I sat by watching Clarke flirt with Bellamy and then vice versa; you were there! So you telling me that I need to get the idea of them out of my head is bullshit! Never in my life have I been so disrupted.”  
  
She fumes now with one hand on her hip, “She needed time after I left her; I gave her that. She needed assurance that I’m not leaving her again; I gave her that. She needed me to help look for O with Bellamy despite how I feel; I gave her that. And now, she needs space so I’m giving her that! I’ve put my needs second to hers and I am still here!” She deflates back into her seat with exhaustion and states, “Whatever I do, it’s never enough.”  
  
Lexa rests her elbows on her knees and lowers her head to grip at the back of her neck. It never feels like enough. She’s ignored her own feelings for the sake of love and they are all pushing back now. She tried to convince herself that love didn’t need to be equally sided, that it didn’t matter how much one gave and the other took just as long as they loved each other. But at a point there has to be an understanding, a constant shift of reciprocity if that theory is to work. For most relationships, there should be an equal amount of effort flowing between them. Lexa tries to decipher how she feels without the influence of Anya’s words. The Lexa she has learned to love is the one she feels she becomes when she’s with Clarke. She understands that she becomes a better person with the blonde by her side but at what point does she lose herself completely? She wants to give herself over to Clarke but she also wants to keep her independence. The way she sees a successful relationship is two individual souls growing side by side, still holding their separate sturdy roots yet sharing the same soil, water and sun. She has seen relationships where they’d be too entwined with each other’s lives to where one couldn’t be happy without the other and even more so if one wasn’t the cause of that happiness, they would become bitter holding that happiness against the other. The unhealthy qualities she feels herself committing to scares her but being in love excites her. She knows she’s in love with Clarke, she’s known since that Valentine’s Day and that was the scariest thing to Lexa. Because that meant that her heart was not hers alone anymore. The duality of love is similar to a double-edged sword, no matter which side you use it cuts deep. And right now, Lexa feels its edge flipped and searing her skin with new lessons.  
  
Raven’s brown eyes stare at the girl in front of her, taken aback. She never considered how it looked and felt from Lexa’s point of view. She’s been so close to Clarke’s experience she didn’t realize how hard it’s been for Lexa. Her heart tears in half at the thought. On one side, Clarke is justified in her trepidation. The amount of hurt that has compounded on that girl’s heart has left it fortified. And on the other side, there is Lexa—just as damaged and just as fortified. Where Clarke is day, Lexa is night and if this isn’t a perfect tragic harmony then Raven has zero faith in the restitution of the world for its sins. These two deserve the love they are so desperately trying to give one another and the cruel nature of surviving is holding it hostage. Just as she’s about to reach out and give Lexa an apology, Raven looks up at the sound of a familiar raspy voice.  
  
“Hey Ray, you weren’t answering my calls so I just came over to…” Clarke stops in her tracks as soon as Lexa comes into view. Her heart jumps high into her throat before plummeting to the ground. _What’s going on here?_ She looks at Lexa, head ducked down out of sight obviously upset and then to Raven, whose face is full of regret? She isn’t sure.  
  
_She didn’t.._.  
_  
She wouldn’t!  
  
_ Clarke’s heart pounds erratically at the bottom of the abyss in which it fell. This isn’t how she wanted Lexa to find out, this isn’t how things are supposed to go. A cascade of nerves ripple under layers of skin holding her together despite the urge to burst into flames right then and there.  
  
She gives Raven a questioning stare before she turns her attention back to the unmoving brunette.  
  
“Lexa?” she wonders why she hasn’t lifted her head up yet. She says her name partly concerned for what’s wrong and the other pleading for her to just look at her so she can tell what’s happened here, if she should start groveling now and apologize for everything.  
  
When she sees green after moments of anticipation, her insides freeze.  
Their eyes lock in as if taking a long awaited breath after being submerged in water. They stay like that for what seems like hours. The only significant sign that they both are still alive is the rise and fall of their chests.  
  
Clarke tries to swallow the dryness down but her throat is persistent in closing its doors. The look on Lexa’s face isn’t one she’s used to. It’s a look of sad defeat trapped under a thick saline blanket. It’s a look of complexity that causes her insides to twist. She attempts to keep a neutral face but she ends up looking a bit constipated.  
  
*  
  
As soon as Lexa heard Clarke’s voice she couldn’t move her body. After her uncharacteristic outburst the last thing she expected was for Clarke to see her exposed. Well, at least she felt exposed because she let her armor fall to the wayside for once. She attempts to steel herself before looking up at the girl who will surely be the end of her. However, when she looks up the molten heat of the sun melts her iron will as tears form in her betraying eyes.

  
“What’s going on?” Clarke manages to choke out. She breaks their locked gaze to focus on Raven. The fire that instigates her combustion burns behind her eyes hoping that her best friend isn’t this vindictive. Blue and brown eyes communicate without saying a word while green ones dart back and forth cutting through the silence like a loom sewing things together. _Why is Clarke here?_ The tables turn, as Lexa is the one looking in on a moment. Raven looks worried while Clarke looks hurt and angry. This is confusing and it’s uncomfortable.

“Nothing”  
  
Lexa hears Raven blurt like a child caught in the cookie jar.  
  
_What?_  
  
She looks over at the wolf-sheep and her expression has faltered into panic. After long stretching seconds, Lexa feels like she’s been left out of a joke.

“Is there anything you want to tell me?” Lexa tries for couth, maybe she can flush whatever it is out. She doesn’t direct this question at anyone in particular but she veers her eyes toward the one person who she hopes wouldn’t lie.  
  
_Oh shit,_ is all Raven could say in her mind. This was _not_ going how she planned. Actually, it might be going exactly how she planned because she has been fighting with herself on whether to tell her or not for the past few hours. It wasn’t her place, yet it could be. If she had any hope in salvaging this friendship she’s grown to adore, then she should be the one to own up to it.  
  
“Um…” Her brain is like molasses trying to either conjure up the courage to tell her or employ the justifications to not and leave it up to Clarke.  
  
“Raven?” Clarke steps further into the garage interrupting Raven’s deluge of thoughts, “Can I talk to Lexa alone?”  
  
“Well, we were just—

“Please?”  
  
The mechanic stands up in her own shop and tries to deliver a message with her eyes. _I didn’t tell her!  
_  
“Yeah sure, I’ll be upstairs.”  
_  
_ She grabs her phone off the counter and quickly takes her exit. As soon as she gets into her house she sends a text to Clarke.

 

 

 

 

 

> \--- ** _  
>   
>  11:43pm- Griffindork_**  
>    
>  **_Raven:_** _I didn’t tell her anything.  
>  **Raven:** We were talking about you and how she feels that’s all. _  
>    
>  \---

But Clarke ignores the buzzing phone in her pocket because the most important thing to her just might be lost. The look on Lexa’s face is almost unrecognizable, sending her into panic recovery mode.  
  
“Lexa, I can explain…”  
  
Now Lexa is utterly confused, explain what exactly? And the nagging question that won’t leave her mind is why is she here? She stays silent. Silence usually causes doubt and angst in the other person’s mind, often encouraging them to talk more than they would if instigated. So she waits.  
  
Clarke inches closer worry seeping from her pores. “It didn’t mean anything and I didn’t tell you because it doesn’t matter.”  
  
_What the fuck, what didn’t mean anything?_ Lexa’s mind searches her mental Rolodex for any scenario that would fit this puzzle. It doesn’t make any sense, so she stays silent.  
  
“I’m sorry for asking for space but I needed time to think. There are so many things coming to the surface that it was making my head spin. I just needed it to stop. I was talking to Octavia the other day…” Her voice is shaky like she is auditioning in front of the most important audience of her life.  
  
“And I was telling her that we needed to trust each other. She needs to trust that I can handle anything she has to tell me because we deserve the truth from each other. So I… I told her the other day and I guess Raven decided it would be fair to be the one to tell you…” She closes her eyes at the thought of that betrayal. Fuck, this is harder than she thought it would be. There’s a hollow burn in her chest that deepens every silent second Lexa delivers.  
  
Lexa sits quiet and still. Her elbows are on her knees while her thumbs form a makeshift stand for her chin to rest, as her fingers stand straight up against her nose. Her head is too heavy for her feeble neck to support and she can’t bring herself to look directly at the nervous girl in front of her. This room is suddenly becoming a suffocating confessional. She feels sick to her stomach at the context of information Clarke’s giving her. Fractions of truth are being given with each word, providing Lexa the pieces to put together as she listens.  
  
Clarke doesn’t dare move closer to Lexa in fear she’s lost that welcome. Late winter air envelops fair skin as she searches for any scrap of bone. Lexa’s giving her nothing to go on; no sign that she should even keep going. But she continues in hopes of any reaction because the stoicism she is receiving from Lexa is crippling.  
  
“It never happened more than once and it will never happen again—“  
  
_Oh…  
  
_ “—She has always been there for me and I know it’s the weirdest time for this to come out—“ _  
  
_ She understands now. The context clues allow her to draw a conclusive picture.  
The picture growing more vivid each second she wraps her head around this new fucking found information. _What the fuck! What? When did this happen?! When did Raven and Clarke fuck each other?! Was it recently? Was it yesterday?! FUCK!_  
Lexa hides her face in between her praying hands. Her ears are burning from the realization, Clarke is still rambling on but it doesn’t matter now.  
  
Lexa understands.  
  
She wants to scream but she stays calm. Her hands help seal the words from spilling out of her mouth. How could she not see it before…? The way they look at each other sometimes, like they understand things a little more than everyone else in the room, and how comfortable their touches are. Sure, Octavia is similar but their interactions just scream platonic and Raven… Raven is something else, an enigma… _Christ!_ _How close **are** they? She’s seen Clarke naked…Does she know about her tiny birthmark? Fuck, probably._ The questions build up in her mind as she finds juxtaposing possible answers in her memories. Just last week Clarke got exceedingly jealous when she wrestled with Raven. At the time she thought it was for her but maybe…  
  
The thought of Raven and Clarke sends burning embers through her veins that she can’t stomp down. Anger swells up in her lungs as she focuses on Clarke once more.  
  
“—and I don’t think about her like that. I’ve only been in love with you Lexa and I’m so sorry you had to find out this way. I wanted to tell you myself but I was planning on talking to my mom and Anya before you so I could at least get some guidance but now… I…”  
  
Clarke looks up to find an emerald blaze boring into her. She gulps.  
  
“I’m sorry…” She whispers her twentieth apology. The blonde stands on weak limbs as she waits for Lexa to say something. During her whole explanation Lexa was a statue, not reacting in the slightest. She waits…  
  
and waits…  
  
When she feels like she can’t wait anymore she steps closer, “Lex—

“When did it happen?”  
  
Clarke’s eyes go wide at the lack of warmth in her voice but she doesn’t dare question it.  
  
“Junior year of high school” she answers.  
  
“How many times?”  
  
“Once”  
  
“Where?”  
  
The details don’t matter but she has to know. The image of Raven inside Clarke, the idea of her tasting her is corroding her mind and like she’s a glutton for punishment she needs to know.  
  
“Where did you _fuck_ her Clarke?”  
  
“In my dad’s study…”  
  
Okay, that hurts; for some reason that extra detail hurt like hell.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
_Okay?_ Clarke jerks her head forward as if chasing after the venom. _That’s it?!_ She wanted to feel it, she deserves wrath. Lexa deserves to be upset but she doesn’t dare speak unless she’s spoken to; it’s like wading through water whose surface is on fire.  
  
After what seems like eternal torture, she hears a softer voice.  
  
“Do you have feelings for her?”  
  
Clarke shakes her head, “Not like that, no.”  
  
“Did you ever?”  
  
She shakes her head again.  
  
“Why am I just hearing about this now?”  
  
Clarke touches her messy bun, eager to busy her nervous fingers. “I… don’t know. It didn’t come up until this week. Raven and I, we… she helped me through a lot in high school. I wasn’t out for a long time and she helped me understand how to be me… I didn’t think it was anyone else’s business.”  
  
Lexa takes a deep sigh as she puts her face into her hands. She can understand that too. The past is not public information, she of all people understands that the past is private and it doesn’t belong to anyone else. She also knows that the past doesn’t mollify the present. The past doesn’t define a person but it is what makes a person who they are. Actions speak louder than words and at this point all Lexa hears are words from Clarke.  
  
She lifts her head from her hands, “And now that it’s out in the open, and everyone’s business… Where does that leave us?”  
  
Clarke feels nauseous. Lexa’s question puts fear into her heart. It’s not fair to be judged by the past. Of all people Clarke thought Lexa would understand that.  
  
“What do you mean?” She asks with displeasure.  
  
The brunette still refuses to look into the blue. Lexa shakes her head as she stares at the ground. She doesn’t know what she means…all she knows is that she’s lost in all of this.  
  
“So… before game night, when Raven and I were wrestling. Why did you get so upset?”  
  
Her tone sounds accusatory. Clarke’s face scrunches up in confusion as she thinks back to that day.  
  
“Were you jealous that our attention wasn’t on you for once?”  
  
_Woah… Okay._  
  
“Um… no.” Clarke shuffles further in just barely enough so she can lean against Raven’s workstation still far enough away from Lexa to give her space.  
  
“Then why were you _so_ upset?”  
  
Clarke shrugs her shoulders, “I don’t know, I guess I felt jealous but it wasn’t like that…” She takes a deep breath trying to analyze herself, it isn’t easy to put her feelings into words. Especially when words feel like a finite cage for how she feels when she doesn’t even know if it’s that simple.  
  
“ I guess I felt insecure. I only ever had Raven and Octavia as close friends and then you… And maybe seeing you so close to Raven made me feel that they would like you better…” Saying it out loud sounds really petty and childish but that’s the closest explanation she can give right now. It isn’t becoming of her but she’s working on her emotions. It’s hard to share the most important people in her life with someone just as important, someone who she isn’t sure she wants to share with anyone else in the world.  
  
“I know it sounds selfish, but it’s like… you… You’re this amazing person Lexa and every time I’m with you, I hope that I don’t look stupid or do something that will cause you to like me any less. I don’t want you to stop liking me because I love you so much. I love everything about you. There isn’t one thing that you do that I don’t love and sometimes I just want you to myself. It wasn’t about Raven that day… It was about me having to share my favorite person in the whole world with my other favorite people. That maybe once I did, I would be like the velveteen rabbit or something…“  
  
Her eyes quickly lose the battle against the clan of water holding onto the front lines of her lashes. She feels like she would be forgotten and maybe it’s ridiculous but in her eyes, she isn’t special. She is learning to love herself everyday but it’s very hard when good things don’t happen to good people when they should.  
  
Clarke’s chin trembles because Lexa still hasn’t looked at her.  
  
“I fear that one day you’ll see me for who I am and not want me anymore. Sometimes I love myself but most of the time I don’t know who I am… but when I’m with you I feel like I discover more of myself everyday. I love who I am with you Lexa… and you have helped me more than Raven has or ever could. I don’t want anyone else. I want you.”  
  
She dares to step a little closer to the girl who means the world. She steps close enough to see the shimmer in her eyes, trails already forged down the slopes of her cheeks.  
  
When she speaks again she’s in reaching distance from the seated girl.  
  
“I’m sorry…” she voices softly; her fingers twitch at the ready to touch.  
  
Lexa nods her head scrupulously. It’s careful and minute but it’s there. Clarke sees it and doesn’t dare move. She isn’t sure what it means so she stays still. Lexa understands Clarke’s fear. She feels similar in the sense that she is more of who she wants to be around the blonde. It feels right when they’re together. But is this it? If they are to work, is this the moment that they both move forward together? Lexa isn’t sure she can take much more of the ups and downs.  
  
“Lexa…” her whisper is wet, “please look at me...”  
  
She waits patiently for the girl below her to acquiesce.

[Chaos Chaos- Do you Feel It?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTA0DSfrGZ0)

Lexa knows she’s close; she can smell her and feel her presence. As soon as Clarke started to inch towards her she shut her eyes. She is torn between yearning for her touch and not wanting to be touched by anyone. It’s always a battle between the head and the heart. Lexa guesses it isn’t about which one wins, it’s about learning to listen to one over the other when they wage. It’s about letting them fight and listening to their cry.  
  
_‘Balance is key in all things’_ A principle she taught herself in the past. Not only should she protect herself at all times but she should have balance. There is a time to be vulnerable just as there is a time to be guarded. Sometimes in order to win a battle, one must appear liable. So, which part of her should lie on the line? Should she let her logic play opossum while her heart takes action or should she allow her heart to lay dormant as her logic secures its survival? She tries to listen to the lessons Anya taught her while mixing in her own experiences with them. It’s hard to modify and even harder to create new principles to live by when the stakes are no longer life and death. Peace brings politics and Lexa was never good at people. The maneuver and manipulations never interested her. Love, however, is what wars are fought for. She understands why she fought so hard to survive for all these years. To feel something so pure as love, is the reason in which the winters thaw and spring blooms. It’s what makes life worth living and not just about surviving.  
  
So she grits her teeth and challenges herself.  
  
“If you want me…then why do you keep pushing me away?”  
  
She looks up.  
  
And when she does, she breaks.  
  
Her tears stream from the gulfs of her eyes, she inhales air she didn’t know she needed. Clarke is everything and it hurts to want to run away from that. It hurts to know that this person can ruin her in a moment’s time. Lexa wants to run away and protect her heart from this vulnerability. Instead, she reaches out and grabs Clarke’s hip and as soon as she does, Clarke steps forward and cradles her head into her stomach.  
  
“Lexa…” She gasps full of regret and sorrow.  
  
She did this.  
  
She is the cause of this girl’s pain and it hurts.  
  
Everything hurts.  
  
Some say true love should be easy and free. But in truth, love is like light. Love is the presence of all emotions just as white is the presence of all colors. It’s unrelenting in the fact that it’s full and all encompassing. Love isn’t easy because it fills every crack full of every color imaginable illuminating white light. It hurts, soothes, cures, burns, cools, frees, and jails the heart all at once. But just as white is the presence of all colors; black is the absence of them. And when the presence of love is ripped from the heart, it feels like a black hole. It feels as though nothing can ever exist there again. So the opposite of love isn’t’ hate, it’s indifference.  
  
It’s nothingness.  
  
“I _do_ want you… I’ve always wanted you.” Clarke declares.  
  
Lexa hugs at Clarke’s torso trying to hold onto the love she feels fearful of slipping back into the void. She doesn’t want this to matter; she doesn’t want the past to matter now. All she wants is Clarke.  
  
After she dries her tears with the soft surface in front of her, she takes a breath and tilts her head back to find tender eyes upon her. Her hands still grip at her pliable hips, leaving grease stains behind.  
  
“It took me a long time to open up to the possibility of us again. And when I finally do, it’s everything else that’s getting in the way.” Clarke confesses while caressing the back of her neck.  
  
“I feel like we’re always crying or fighting for us…shouldn’t it be easier than this?”  
  
Lexa feels Clarke shake a little with her response, “No…”  
  
She clears her throat, “I don’t think it _should_ be any kind of way. It’s easy to love you Lexa. That part is easy…”  
  
“I guess it’s everything else that isn’t.” Lexa finishes for her.  
  
“mmm” Clarke hums. She feels like she’s home when she holds Lexa. This is what makes everything else worth it. She manages to squeeze the brunette closer to her chest feeling her breathe.  
  
They stay wrapped in each other for a while, just existing, feeling each other. Their hearts eventually beat in sync, as do their breaths.  
  
~  
  
“Why are you here?”  
  
The sound of Lexa’s broken voice around those words startle Clarke into thinking that maybe she doesn’t want her here but before she can voice her fear Lexa continues.  
  
“I mean why did you come here tonight?”  
  
Relaxing a bit, Clarke exhales at her amendment while running her hand on top of Lexa’s hair.  
  
“Honestly, I came here to avoid going home. Octavia and I aren’t talking much and I just needed a place to think.”  
  
Blue eyes scan the room; “I see you’re working on motorcycles with Raven?”  
  
Lexa follows her line of sight nodding, “Yeah.”  
  
Clarke’s attention snaps back at her short response. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you…”  
  
“It doesn’t matter”  
  
Clarke’s eyebrows knit infinitesimally together, _what doesn’t matter…_ She worries that she means it doesn’t matter that she’s sorry, or that it doesn’t matter that she wants her and loves her. Because she hasn’t said it back yet.  
  
“What doesn’t matter?” She chokes out.  
  
Lexa leans back dropping her hands from the warmth of Clarke’s hips, immediately missing the feeling.  
  
“The past…” she sighs. “It doesn’t matter. You say it’s in the past then it’s in the past. There are things in my past I haven’t told you and I wouldn’t want you holding those against me now. I’ve changed and became who I am today because of it but it’s not who I am.” She fidgets with her hands pinching and pulling at her fingers.  
  
“Yeah, it hurts to find out that you slept with Raven.” The sound those words make causes bile to rise in her throat. “… and I wish you would’ve told me sooner but it doesn’t matter because… I want this.” She lifts her chin up to look into the sky blue eyes that contrast so beautifully against the night. “I want us to work Clarke. I really do, I wasn’t ready then but I’m ready now…”  
  
“And the whole Harper thing is a non-issue because I don’t want her. I’m sorry I put myself in that position and I won’t do it again but I think I have major issues with you and Bellamy and it got the best of me. I don’t like him near you…”  
  
Clarke thinks for a minute before speaking.  
  
“I know. And… I can’t say I won’t see him again because he’s Octavia’s brother but I promise I don’t want to see him nor do I want to be near him again. He’s changed into something other than who I’ve known him to be… and…” Her voice cracks into heartbreak at the thought of someone so close to her breaking her trust and friendship. She still struggles with the brevity of the situation. She has dealt with handsy men before but this was different and the more it sunk in, the more it hurt.  
  
“…I handled it wrong. I ignored what happened and allowed him around when I knew how you felt.”  
  
Lexa grits her teeth. She knew Clarke did certain things on purpose but after their talk and the events of that night, she forgave her. They haven’t really talked about any of it in truth. It’s always been glazed over in declarations and promises.  
  
“I don’t want to be manipulated Clarke.”  
  
“I know,” Clarke nods. “I don’t mean to, I don’t know why I feel the way I do sometimes. I can’t blame anyone else but myself because they’re my insecurities and I’m dealing with them.”  
  
“Are you going to need space every time something happens?” She asks with a lifted brow.  
  
This question is the first that implies that there could be a future. Clarke holds onto that hope and answers her with certainty.  
  
“No, I don’t want anymore space from you…" Her voice quakes, "I want to be with you Lexa.”  
  
The brunette nods, “I want that too.”  
  
Clarke lets out a breath of relief, her knees gently touch the ground to pull Lexa into her center, heart to heart. She holds her like if she didn’t, she would lose her to the world.

It was relief but mostly it was grief. Grief for needing constant reassurance and taking this perfect person for granted.  
  
Interrupting her self pitying thoughts, Lexa stipulates “but we have to do better at surviving this. We have to communicate with each other and most of all trust each other. I need your help Clarke because I can't keep chasing after you. I don't like feeling lost and its how you make me feel sometimes when you leave me in the dark.”  
  
Clarke nods, “You’re right…I don't think I've been fair to you. I keep wanting to explain myself but its how I make you feel that's important. I..." She sighs half way through her thought, " I wish things weren't so complicated but...they are and for me it's how it has been and I can't promise that it wont be in the future. But I can say that I'm sorry for putting you through so much this year. I’ve just been so lost and it wasn’t until recently that I’ve found my way.” She rests her cheek on Lexa’s shoulder giving her lips the chance to place a chaste kiss on her jaw.  
  
“I know it hasn’t been easy being with me and I know that I’ve given you little reason to stay but I promised you that I would put you first and I intend to do that-”  
  
“No…” Lexa blurts.  
  
Clarke flinches, “No?” Every time she thinks they're on the same page, Lexa changes the chapter.  
  
“Don’t put yourself second to anyone Clarke. I've been thinking and that's what gets me more lost than anything. Putting someone before your own needs will most likely hurt in the end. You’re the only person you should truly put first and I’m okay with being your second. I will put you before anyone else but I want us to be independently together. I want you to have your life and me to have mine.” She looks into her eyes imploring her to understand. “Do you know what I mean?”  
  
“Kind of…I want to put you first though..."  
  
Lexa nods, "I mean, I don’t want us to be so involved with each other that we lose sight of our individual goals and dreams, like I don’t want to get lost in each other and I want to make you into the best version of yourself. I don’t just want us to survive together Clarke… I want us to thrive together.”  
  
Clarke squeezes tighter, "I'll try to do that... but you're my favorite person" she whines,  "and nothing will change the fact that I love you more than I love myself and I will always put you before me... I can't stand the thought of losing you- "  
  
Lexa shakes her head.  
  
"-No Lexa, I understand what you mean and I will have my own life and goals but I want you to know how much you mean to me. My actions lately might not express that but I desperately need you to know that I love you and want you by my side."  
  
Lexa digs her chin into her shoulder, embracing her just a smidgen tighter "I know."  
  
Even though this feels like progress, Lexa can't fight off the doubt. In truth, she believes things will be different but fear is powerful and she doesn't want her heart to hurt anymore. The need to protect herself niggles its way into her consciousness but she pushes it down because she loves Clarke more than reason.

Lexa clears her throat pushing those fears deep hoping they may drown in the way Clarke ultimately makes her feel.  
  
At home.  
  
“Maybe we should try communicating with words more often than with our bodies?” She eases the weight of the moment with this suggestion. Clarke’s only response is to impossibly tighten her hold. After a few moments Lexa nudges the blonde with her nose. “Hmm?”  
  
Clarke finally lifts her head and nods, “yeah…” she laughs while wiping tears from her face. “But… we can _still_ communicate with our bodies?”  
  
Lexa tilts her head back with her eyes closed in light laughter, “Yes Clarke, we can.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter this conversation will continue and we will see how they move forward together. 
> 
> Have any comments, questions or concerns follow me on Tumblr: ayokidd


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